The 5th of May’s Lavanderia Sucia

I HAVE IT 115-113 PACQUIAO. BUT OF COURSE, THIS IS HIS HOME RING, HOMETOWN, HOME STATE. ANNOUNCERS BIASED.

— SKIP BAYLESS (@REALSKIPBAYLESS) MAY 3, 2015

This is a tweet by Skip Bayless, the tabloid emperor – Count Shout-U-la.  As you can see from this rant, he believes Pacquiao won the fight.  He has to, right?  That’s the format.  Skip has to play contrarian to Stephen A and his subjective admiration of Floyd Mayweather’s jock-strap tea.  Remember when detached objectivity was a cornerstone of journalism.  Say what you want about Floyd and his ambient-style of pugilism.  Say whatever you want about his undefeated record against both sexes.  However, what you must say and acknowledge is Floyd won the fight by out-boxing Manny.   Floyd landed 67 more punches – Manny only landed 19% of his – In every other American sporting industry, that is cataclysmic failure.  Skip has to play the part right – in this parody of a caricature of an argument?  He cannot be this bombastically blind, or maybe it’s just the death-cry of a man’s dignity dying before us.

Manny Pacquiao Could Face Legal Trouble For Hiding His Shoulder Injury

In other news…The fight that felt like it went on forever is still going on and this time it has legal ramifications – apparently fighters are injected like race-horses – note the medications taken last month by Manny.  The issue is, there is no disclosure of a a shoulder-injury that everyone conveniently provided as an excuse.  Under threat of perjury, Boxers are legally required to disclose their injuries – not just for obvious health reasons, but for the millions of dollars wagered on the outcome – we degenerates deserve honesty and full disclosure before we gamble.  In the real world this is fraud – in boxing this is normal – this is how the conspiracy starts and the next fight gets created.  We should all learn from our mistakes and stop wondering what happens when a Bear s#*^s in the woods.

The nickname, plus the logo were retired in 2012, and after a long protracted battle with the NCAA are trying to come up with some alternatives – and you can help!  Here are some from the CONSIDER list with authentic rationale:

  • Tundra Rats — The Tundra Rats name would evoke the cold inhospitable nature that is Grand Forks North Dakota. Rats are an intimidating animal.
  • Vicious Prairie Dogs — VICIOUS
  • Zombies — We already have a green, black, and pink color scheme, and zombies are cool
  • wombats — kind of like a golden gopher, only bigger. You said you wanted “unique”
  • TSUNAMIS — If UND is named TSUNAMIS we can still keep fighting TSU!!!
  • Swallows — Because UND has sucked for so long
  • Sunflakes — Grand Forks is the Sunflake City. Noone else will use the nickname. It’s at least as fierce as a banana slug.
  • Squirrels — Squirrels are awesome
  • Spacklers — Carl Spackler (most lethal gopher hunter in history).
  • Snowflake city — white people
  • Snowballs — We get a lot of snow in North Dakota, and also UND has a snowball’s chance in hell of winning a Division I championship.
  • Skunks — People from North Dakota refuse to take showers and smell funny; just like skunks. They have a natural aura of skunk poop.

consideration-list

non-consideration-list

Find your favorite and let us know!


What to watch…

NBA Playoffs  – conference semi-finals – The teams that have W’s in their nicknames play tonight, which is ironic since neither has any L’s so far in the post-season.  The Wiz take on the Hawks again at 8 EST on TNT and lead the series 1-0.  Memphis takes on the Warriors at 10:30 EST, also on TNT – interesting to note that the newly-minted MVP and Golden State are 44-0 when holding opponents under 100pts this year.

NHL Playoffs – Chicago @ Minnesota, Game 3, ‘Hawks lead 2-0 at 8 EST on NBCSN.  Anaheim @ Calgary, Game 3, Ducks lead 2-0 at 9:30 EST USA.

Person of Interest – season finale – Finch and Root try to save the machine from Samaritan, while Reese is in the middle of a gang-war.

The Flash – Dr. Wells(bad guy) unleashes Gorilla Grodd(other-bad guy) – A giant ape with mind-control abilities

So, celebrate the Battle of Puebla responsibly – you only need a little RDA of Vitamin T  – and hopefully your DVR can record more than one show.

 

May the DiRT Be With You…and also with you

mayweather pacquiao punchout!!

Super-Nintendo Punchout summarizes the fight –  from sports grid.

Ah the Romans – it was in full display – the Bread and the Circuses – except it seemed while we got the circus – they forgot our bread.  THE MOST SPECTACULAR FIGHT OF OUR TIME – YOU CANT MISS THIS ONE – TWELVE UNFORGETTABLE ROUNDS FOR ONLY $99.

That is the beautiful thing about pay-per-view sporting events – there are no sell outs, no waiting in line, no standing-room only, no one getting turned away at the gate by small giants and fire marshals for too much booze on your breath – none of that!  As long as you want it – you’ve got a better seat than any celebrity –‘Murica!

But the fight – ughh – it was just like I wrote back in December, #CalledIt.  Want to know what was a better fight than #MayPac?  Jamie Foxx staying in tune.  Clint Eastwood versus a chair.  Bob Barker versus Happy Gilmore.  Jay Z versus Beyonce’s Sister.  Kevin James versus skinny jeans, Deebo versus Craig – we get it!  The build up was Wrestlemania without the drama, The Royals have thrown more punches this year – it made you long for the days you dropped that kind of scratch on a Mike Tyson fight that was over in less than 90 seconds.  Mayweather handed out more hugs to Manny than his own kids.

If this was what people thought was the Fight of the Century – did they mean this actual century or the last 100 years – then Boxing is dead – maybe it survives as some bare-knuckled-quasi blood-sport on late night TV – but there will never be anything great about it ever again.  I preferred to watch a rerun of Hagler v Hearns – it’s what we expected Saturday – or relive the salad days of any of Muhammad Ali’s fights.  With Ali, we were lucky and privileged to live in the same century with him.  He was a true aristocrat of the spirit, I love the man.  He spoke to the best and bravest in us and his fights are priceless.  Floyd will never understand, and it seems he doesn’t care too – he’s just fine being the captain on the Titanic.


NBA Fevah!  Chris Paul was doing his best Steph Curry impression making an incredible shot, that I still don’t know how it went in, to beat the Spurs, 111-109.  This undercard was better than Saturday’s main event.  The Clippers needed all of the 8 for 14 beyond the arc points in the second half, before Paul’s lucky nail in the champ’s coffin.  Does this propel the Clippers to bigger things?  Is this the end of the Spurs as we knew them?  What I do know is; I could watch these two play the rest of the year and it would still live up to expectations.  The question though, is this:  will there be any other series as good as this one for the rest of the playoffs?


There he is, the favorite, American Pharoah.  The first horse to start in position 17 or farther and win the (141st) Kentucky Derby.  I had told you to leave him off because of that (and because they clearly don’t know how to spell Pharaoh) – what is the meaning of statistics if you cant remove the outliers.  Well the outliers win sometimes and sometimes they rough you up pretty good.  The break the horse made from the 18th position to be near the front of the pack and not get boxed in was remarkable.  He was given a clear shot – as was I, or so I thought for most of the race.  It was another lesson I got sloppy with from the harsh school of gambling, that dealt me another quick beating for leaving off the favorite – see I had Dortmund and Firing Line in an Exacta boxBlind spots are fatal – they’ll punish you every time.  So the questions will begin again about the potential of American Pharoah(sic) being the next triple-crown winner – and the answer is no, but I will not leave him off again, just to be safe.


The Houston Firs-tros have won 10 straight and own the American League’s best record at 18-7.  As the Astros celebrate their 50th year, you have to wonder when do they come back to Earth?  In the AL West they may never – the Angels have serious problems, the Rangers are terrible and The A’s and Mariners do not play consistently enough to challenge, so…It’s a long season and Houston is a young team that will have to prove it in the dog-days – but for now, how about dem Astros!

In other weird baseball news – the Rockies still can’t play in SoCal, and the Yankees swept the Red Sox for the first time since 2006.  David Ortiz failed to deliver a bases-loaded, down-by-three, in the bottom of the ninth – either further proving his PED use, or Adam Warren is that good – has not allowed a run in 10 appearances.

Matt Harvey is 5-0 for the 1st place Mets since Tommy John Surgery and it must be an “odd” year, because the Cardinals have the best record in baseball – World Series appearances in 2011 and 2013.


May the 4th be with you!

In honor of Saga and today being May 4th – #StarWarsDay – here is some entertainment:


It’s still fresh!

3rd Stone from the Sun

It’s wonderful.  It came in the nick of time.  The whole nation getting jittery from too much riot-news and the sporting public is demanding wilder and wilder sport-spectacles, to blot out the dark horizon…and then it happens, everywhere and all at once this Saturday.  The Sheriff and I start our day off with a bowling tournament of champions for our kids and that got me thinking about something my friend La-A (pronunced Ladasha, not kidding) said.  La-A lives up the road from the bunker and says she wants to open a chain of national bowling alleys where house rules require that you check your clothes at the door.

“It keeps them from stealing,” she told me.  “A naked person is an honest person.  We have low operating costs – free labor, no taxes, new friends in strange places and extremely addictive behavior five times a week.”  Hundreds of thousands of otherwise decent people could already be hopelessly addicted to naked bowling, which renders them useless for normal work.  Not too mention the chicken-choking-freaks that’ll hang around – you’ll notice them by the stains on their jeans.

They are the wetheads, a plague of leeches on the body politic.  They’ll dim the brain as well as the body and eventually the victim gets sucked dry and dies.  That is dead weight – which is fatal to a fast-moving economy.  Could any sane person even tolerate naked bowling – think of the tragic encounters and everything it stands for – the sound of the heavy black ball crashing down on anything made of wood-polymer in a contortionist ballet of the body, could make anyone disordered.

But if they succeed and make it a recognized sport in this country with proper rules and regulations of appearance – I am after-all, a professional sportswriter – it says so right here on my credentials – and I would have to report on what I see for you, the public, watching real-life naked bowling.  It would be televised on some Canadian HBO, late at night, pitting two teams of extremely naked women with huge breast implants and fake lips going head-to-head – that no doubt would be wearing Hooters T-shirts if this were anything else but organized recess – and let me tell you, they’d be going for it – locked in a scoreless tie after 13 frames of pretty frantic bowling.

Sounds about right…Let’s all get naked and go bowling.  Why not?  Where can you watch this stuff?  Where is one, right?  It’s still better than going to the Derby.

If you have ever been to Churchill Downs, then you know how truly heinous an experience it can be.  I can tell you that Derby Week in Louisville is a white-knuckle orgy of booze, sex and violence that, 99 times out of 100, swamps anybody who goes near it in a hurricane of fear, pain and mind-numbing disasters that will haunt you for the rest of your life.  The behavior of the crowd on race day is like 100,000+ vicious hyenas going berserk all at once in a space the size of 787 or a basketball arena.  Going is worse than volunteering to join Pickett’s charge at Gettysburg, and just as fun.  I still have recurring nightmares that cause me to wake up sweating and screaming like someone pulling a tape-worm out thru my nose.  My memories are extremely clear and far too obscene to describe here – some involve jails, insane asylums, trials, beatings, police-brutality and private graveyards filled with victims of tragic medical experiments.  You’ll come back with stories of people being deliberately set on fire and tortured by drunken rich people who then hurl their bodies off a cliff into the Ohio river and laugh about it later.  Only to have their families be told by the authorities that they must have ran off to Hollywood to get famous with a band of Turkish horse-gamblers.

Things like that happen every year when the Derby comes around – some simply disappear into thin air or come back with horrible disfigurements and no memory.  Others end up in “hospitals down south” and never mentioned again by people who knew them.  You’d like to think Eyes Wide Shut was just a movie, but Omerta is the code of the South, especially when weird shit is committed by rich people.  Horse people have very small attention spans for anything involving humans – you can read it in the obituary of some head on collision, with an unidentified truck far out on the River road and a private cremation ceremony for close family members only, who wish to remain anonymous.

Thankfully the Derby itself is only 2 minutes long – in sports few things last that long, a Rousey knockout, Sumo wrestling and drag racing are the only tings that come to mind. I have a soft spot for betting the Derby, regardless of the scars from being a witness.  So I’ll bet from a far and begin to enjoy one of the greatest Saturdays of all time.  If you’re wondering, No horse has ever won the Derby from the 17th position and that is where American Pharaoh, the favorite, starts.  With that information, these are the horses that will finish 1-4 in any order: International Star, Frosted, Firing Line, and Dortmund – I have not yet settled on Win, Place, Show, but will definitely Box these four.

Rarely can you find this much action in one day outside of a cockfight in rural Arkansas, but thankfully we have a Game 7 with the Spurs/Clippers and the night finishes off with Pacquiao/Mayweather.  It is more rare that a main event in Las Vegas starts before midnight on the East coast – and considering a NBA game is usually 2.5 hours, you’ll get to watch all 3 events on a Saturday night – just remember who owns Saturday night and the possibility of long lines at the ATM.

We all have a vice and tomorrow night indulges most of them, even for the most ardent opponent of affluent clemency.  It’s all decadent and depraved.  It will satiate our blood-lust as we circle the drain of Dante’s toilet-bowl – It’s what happens when it all accumulates on TV making long-distance hunch bets on a horse named Dortmund.  I’m starting to feel a bit decadent and depraved myself, maybe it’s all true and too much of this causes brain cancer – I will do some more research and report back later – I’ve got some bets to make and some friends to fleece.  Buy the Ticket, take the Ride!

Chock Full O’DiRT

1.  When we’re young…

So Mayweather says he has a date all picked out and is FINALLY ready to fight Pacquiao.  We’ve had negotiations, denied negotiations, accusations and overall excuses.  We have the 5 division champ lining up the 8 division champ and as Pacquiao says the fight is more than about money, it’s about legacy.  Should we care anymore?  It could be nothing more than a little dancing around the ring waiting for the bell to ring just to setup another fight.  Mayweather is an inch and a half taller and is rated by Ring Magazine as no.1 and Manny as no.3.  Surely this will be big enough and a lot of money is to be made and from the standpoint of age we arent getting any younger, nor are we gonna see the fight we should have.  Pacquiao says he will do his best to make it a good fight, but we all know Floyd’s style and his penchant of inducing us to sleep.  Gone are the days of real fights or the appointment fights of Mike Tyson.  Wouldn’t we rather see a Victoria Secret pillow fight instead?

2. A-Rod we Trust

You gotta love the Yankees – either they are increasingly delusional as the ship goes down like a whore on dollar day – or is it marketing genius to stir this drama-rita to remain relevant with the only prima-donna left at the ball.  It is going to be a crazy couple of months to watch it all unfold like a storyline ripped from the Young and the Restless; as outlined by Buster Olney here.

3. Pot-Roast Kingdom

Maybe Terrance Knighton has been on that treadmill too long for Bridgestone, guaranteeing a SuperBowl victory.  Bravado is one thing and what else is he going to say – he should believe it – it should be the goal – however when you say stuff like that out loud, you invite the kind of attention that maybe you aren’t quite ready for.  Pepperidge Farm remembers the last SuperBowl and the playoff loss to the Ravens and the playoff history of your quarterback – and so should you.  The Broncos are 0-5 when they wear orange in the big game – but it does take a team to win or lose and lately the team has struggled regardless of Peyton’s playoff record.  So best of luck and maybe this new found desire to run the football will finally teach Peyton what it takes to win and equal his brother.  It’s not to late, you can either be like Elway and let someone else be the focal point; or end up like Marino and always keep it on you.

4. Viva La Sabres

The NHL has a policy of voting for the ASG, allowing 10 votes per device, per day.  That loophole has exposed the mania for a favorite son to be the leading vote getter.  It is not the loyal fans of Pittsburgh voting for Sydney Crosby.  It is not the loyalty of Chicago fans voting for Patrick Kane or Jonathan Toews, (both the 2nd and 3rd leading vote-getters).  Toews and Kane are each being doubled up by the player who is ranked 51st at his position.  Surpassed by a center who has 9 goals, 17 points and is a +4.  A second year player taking the league by storm, a household name?  I introduce you to the Latvian Rocket – Zemgus Girgensons.  The center for the Fightin’ Buffalo Sabres is averaging 1pt every 2 games and has more than half the population of Latvia in votes, at 1.1 million (as of Tuesday).  If it’s ok for the NHL, (for more than 80% of the votes coming from Latvia to create a market to get a guy who equates to Derek Carr in the NFL, to be in the ASG,) then who are we to complain.  I’m sure all the Buffalonians are having fun with it and why not?  How often will Zemgus get to say he’s better than every center in NHL, when it comes to being a fan favorite.  I would love to see a picture of all those Sabres’ jersey’s in Latvia.