What You Need To Know For Wednesday, Dec. 30 2015

name of site - hunter thompson style

nationwide_college map

1.

Degenerate Me

Last weekend was a monster for us junkies, despite what looked like insane violence on many football fields – or is it because of it? (shrugs shoulders)  Only the wetheads worry about blood on the grass during times like these, when the football gets better each week and the money you pillage from suckers, lines your pockets like fine silk.  The best being yet to come, except for maybe place like Cleveland and San Francisco who are more like bloated dead bodies floating along the ethereal abyss.

Playing with House-Money has always been risky – however, last week was swimming with sharks.  Many high-altitude rollers got eaten alive on Sunday – those that survived were clubbed like baby seals, causing an eruption of fear and grief in homesteads from coast to coast.  Strong men wept, and women hurled themselves savagely down dirty stairwells in filthy towns like Boston and Cleveland – Cripes, even in the frozen snow out here in the Rockies.

But me?  My own luck was splendid, as the Marquis used to say, as I repeatedly fleeced and humiliated two of the cruelest and most depraved degenerates in America, the infamous McCutcheon brothers from Pittsburgh.  T’was wonderful.  The arrogant swine got exactly what they deserved – a massive public beating they will never forget.  They came out here with huge wads of ca$h and revenge in their hearts for the losses they suffered last year in the very same bunker – where their doom is a constant companion.  It’s even worse during bowl-season.

2.

C’Ya Chipster

Good luck Chipster – your 1st lesson as a professional was a hard one.  You found out that going 10-6, 10-6 and 6-9 don’t mean much in Philly.  Never you mind that the Eagles have no idea how to win, because they haven’t since…….ummm, hold on, it’s right here in my notes….oh yeah, 1960.  It was 20 years later since they returned to play for a title, and another 24 until the next one – losing both – so it’s likely not until 2024 that they contend anyway.

Besides looking for another job in the #NFL – Tennessee, maybe? – you have to deal with Screamin’A dustin’ off an old narrative; as he did appearing on Mike and Mike this morning telling a classic Screamin’A story about a time he was “stopped on the street” by some Eagles players who came up to him and started talking about Chip Kelly.  Sensationalism!

The point is – you had all the control Chip and made some shaky decisions and never quite won enough to earn the cache you need.  Just remember, Bill was run out of Cleveland and it also took awhile in Foxboro before he became the man he is today – You just keep it 100 Chipster and if it doesn’t work out here, you’ll have your pick of places in college – like Baton Rouge if Les doesn’t change.

+ GOODBYE, MR. CHIP: PHILLY FIRES KELLY – Read More

LF=212yds 5TD’s

3.

(Can’t) Hold That Tiger

The Tigers wrapped up a very memorable, drama-filled football season with a record-setting 56-27 win over Texas Tech in the Advocare Texas Bowl, and it sure does feel good. One could argue that last night’s game doesn’t mean a whole heck of a lot, but after losing three of the previous four bowl games, and enduring a three-game losing streak in the month of November, it’s nice to head into the offseason on a high note. With last night’s win, the Tigers ended the season 9-3, and let’s not forget that this would have almost certainly been a 10-win season had the season-opener against McNeese State been played.

Source: Dandy Don’s LSU Recruiting and Sports News – LSU Football and More!

4.

Today in History

On December 30, 1978, Ohio State University (OSU) makes the decision to fire its 65-year-old football coach, Woody Hayes, one day after Hayes punched a player on the opposing team near the end of the Gator Bowl.

Source: OSU fires coach Woody Hayes for attacking an opposing player – Dec 30, 1978

5.

Out of Chaos Comes Order

Social issues are a minefield for athletes.  Michael Jordan was never going to be confused for Kareem when it came to social justice and attitudes.  No one is, and athletes that came after never wanted to jeopardize their image to their corporate masters – just as players today are more conscious of their “brand” then they are at times with their play.

Yet, Lebron speaks out after advocates ask him to strike games to honor Tamir Rice – is this what we want our athletes to do when every social crisis occurs?  Read more here.

Source: LeBron Speaks Out After Advocates Ask Him To Strike Games To Honor Tamir Rice

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6.

The More You Know

Week 17 – Situational Trends

By Week 17 Vegas knows which teams are truly bad. In the last five years, home underdogs of a touchdown or greater in the last week of the regular season have gone 1-33 SU and 14-20 (41%) ATS.

  • Games Matching this Criteria: Browns (+10) vs. Steelers and Dolphins (+9) vs. Patriots.

The Cardinals and Chiefs are on fire each having won nine straight games. The last 30 teams to win that many games in a row went 22-8 straight-up in their next matchup but 12-17-1 (41%) against-the-spread.

  • Games Matching this Criteria: Chiefs (-6.5) vs. Raiders and Cardinals (-4.5) vs. Seahawks.

Tom Brady and the Patriots don’t lose often but when they do, New England typically wins (40-10 straight-up) and covers (34-16 against-the-spread – 68%) the next week.

  • Games Matching this Criteria: Patriots (-9) at Dolphins.

  • ATL -4 vs. NO The Falcons are 7-3 against-the-spread in their last ten games as home favorites against the Saints.
  • AZ -4.5 vs. SEA Carson Palmer is 7-1-1 against-the-spread at home with Arizona against non-divisional opponents but 3-3 ATS vs. the NFC West.
  • BAL +7 @ CIN In the last five years, AFC North teams that have been underdogs of a touchdown or greater to the Bengals are 0-5 straight-up and 1-3-1 ATS.
  • BUF +3 vs. NYJ The Bills are 8-2 against-the-spread in their last ten home games against the AFC East.
  • CAR -10.5 vs. TB Cam Newton has never lost as a touchdown or greater favorite, he is 11-0 straight-up and 6-5 ATS.
  • CHI -1 vs. DET The Bears are 2-7-1 against-the-spread in their last ten games against the Lions.
  • CIN -7 vs. BAL The Bengals are playing for a bye in the AFC. All-time, teams that have been favored by a touchdown over the Ravens are 5-1 straight-up.
  • CLE +10 vs. PIT Cleveland has lost eight straight as double-digit underdogs against AFC North rivals but the Browns went 5-3 ATS in those games.
  • DAL -3 vs. WAS The Cowboys are 1-5 against-the-spread at home this year and are now 3-11 ATS the last three years when Tony Romo doesn’t start.
  • DEN -7.5 vs. SD Denver is 3-6-1 against-the-spread in its last ten home games as touchdown or greater favorites.
  • DET +1 @ CHI Detroit is 2-18 straight-up in its last 20 games as road dogs against the NFC North, the Lions went 9-10-1 ATS in those games.
  • GB -3 vs. MIN The Packers can clinch the NFC North with a win, Aaron Rodgers is 18-4 straight-up (14-7-1 ATS) vs. the division as a home favorite.
  • HOU -6.5 vs. JAX The Texans clinch the AFC South with a win, Houston is 15-7 straight-up all-time as a home favorite against the division.
  • IND -6 vs. TEN Indy needs a win (plus a lot of help) to make the playoffs. The Colts are just 3-4 straight-up (3-4 ATS) in home games this year.
  • JAX +6.5 @ HOU The Jags have been road dogs in 13 straight games vs. division opponents. Jacksonville went 8-4 ATS in its previous 12 games.
  • KC -6.5 vs. OAK KC has won nine straight (including four in a row vs. the AFC West) and is 7-2 against-the-spread during the winning streak.
  • MIA +9 vs. NE The Dolphins have been underdogs to the Patriots in 25 straight games, Miami went 11-13 ATS in the previous 24 contests.
  • MIN +3 @ GB The Vikings can clinch the NFC North with a win but Minnesota hasn’t won in Green Bay since 2010 and is 1-4-1 ATS in its last six games in Lambeau.
  • NE -9 @ MIA New England clinches home-field advantage with a win, the Pats have won 18 straight as touchdown favorites vs. the AFC East ( but are only 6-10-2 ATS)
  • NO +7 @ ATL This is the fifth straight division game in which the Saints have been underdogs, New Orleans covered the previous four.
  • NYG -3 vs. PHI The Giants are 2-8 ATS in the team’s last ten home games against the Eagles.
  • NYJ -3 @ BUF The Jets can clinch a playoff berth with a win against the Bills but New York has lost and failed to cover in four straight vs. Buffalo.
  • OAK +6.5 @ KC The Raiders are 14-6 against-the-spread in the team’s last 20 road games against division rivals.
  • PHI +3 @ NYG Philly is 8-2 against-the-spread in its last ten road games as underdogs against division opponents.
  • PIT -10 @ CLE Big Ben has been a double-digit road favorite seven times in his career and failed to cover in each game (including losing outright last week).
  • SD +7.5 @ DEN Philip Rivers has won six of his last ten trips to Denver and the Chargers went 7-1-2 against-the-spread in those games.
  • SEA +4.5 @ AZ In Russell Wilson’s career, the Seahawks following a loss in the regular season are 11-6 against-the-spread the next week.
  • SF +3.5 vs. STL The 49ers have been home dogs to the Rams 11 times. San Francisco is 3-8 straight-up and 5-5-1 ATS.
  • STL -3.5 @ SF The Rams aren’t favored on the road often (just 10 times in the last ten years), but when they are St. Louis covers (7-3 ATS).
  • TB +10.5 @ CAR The Bucs have lost six straight as double-digit dogs to divisional rivals but Tampa Bay went 3-3 against-the-spread in those games.
  • TEN +6 @ IND The Titans have failed to cover in seven straight road games against division rivals (1-6 straight-up as well).
  • WAS +3 @ DAL The Washington professional football team is 8-2 ATS in its last ten trips to Dallas.

What You Need To Know For Wednesday, Dec. 16 2015

name of site - hunter thompson style

1.

Degenerate Pete

Speculating is a vice, millions are hooked and many will suffer grievously before this holiday season is over, because of their desires of the heart – not the head. The traditional “Christmas spirit” runs completely against the grain of the natural laws of Speculating, which have nothing to do with silly human weaknesses like Generosity or Kindness or Carelessness.

If Santa Claus had a speculating habit, he would have been dead a long time ago. There are a lot of Criminal Psychos between here & the North Pole, and they would show no mercy on a goofy old man who gets loaded one night a year and drives around through strange neighborhoods with a truckload of jewelry & furs & gold Rolexes. What if ISIS got their hands on him? They would set him on fire & stuff him head-first down a smoking chimney.

Which is not much different from how Professional speculators treat their victims at Xmas time, which also happens to be the end of the football season & the start of Playoff frenzy that will build & grow & throb like a Shark’s heart for 33 more days until Super Bowl Sunday.

Just like Pete the Penultimate.  He was denied again reinstatement by Commish Manfred.  As Ed Graney notes in his article for the Las Vegas Review-Journal: After MLB’s latest hypocritical ruling, Pete Rose doesn’t get it.”

Pete is a shady, classless, swarmy, dirty, clueless, unpenatent-hit king.  The debate may never be over, because however you may moralize the crimes of Clueless Pete – you will see on your tour of the museum of baseball, that he is only one of many deplorable characters that played the game.  For Pete, just shut up, tell your lawyers to shut up, stop making money on autographs and other mementos in Cooperstown, and be the ambassador you think you actually are, and never show – be more than about Pete Rose – if you can.  Kneel before the Gods of Baseball and beg forgiveness and walk the valley as the shepherd – then maybe….until then you might just have to be satisfied as the second best baseball player in hell, because Ty Cobb leads that team.

2.

Tell the Truth

As Danny Kanell avenges the war on football, Bob Costas believes football’s biggest problem can not be fixed.  Is Football headed to a Running Man scenario where football players are fielded by inmates and the shouts from the Colosseum grow louder for the lions?  Everything, now restrains itself and anxiously hopes for just two things: bread and circuses.  Who will deny the public what it wants?!

read more here:

3.

Missouri Compromise

It’s usually adorable when politicians try to venture into college sports. Combine grandstanding with a distinct lack of understanding of the system upon which an elected official is attempting to impose rules, and you have a recipe for comedy. Today’s example comes from Missouri state representative Rick Brattin, who has introduced a bill that would revoke the scholarships of athletes who refuse to play for any reason other than injury.

This is obviously a response to the Missouri football team’s threat in November to sit out a game against BYU. That move by the players turned a local story into a national one and basically got Missouri’s system president and chancellor fired. And while there is a robust argument to be had about whether that was the appropriate result, this isn’t the site for that. Today, as the Internet commenters always command, we’ll stick to sports.

Source: Analyzing the dumbest piece of college athletics legislation imaginable

4.

Way to Early Heisman Race 2016

NEW YORK—As Derrick Henry walked out of the Heisman Trophy winners’ press conference Saturday night, the next item on his to-do list was to text his grandmother Gladys. The woman who gave Henry his nickname (Shocka) couldn’t make it to the Big Apple to celebrate with the Alabama junior tailback. She was in a Florida hospital, but that hospital hosted one heck of a party.

Meanwhile, Stanford do-everything back Christian McCaffrey and Clemson quarterback Deshaun Watson left the ceremony already planning a return visit. They’re sophomores, and it’s quite possible they’ll be back here next year. It’s also quite possible one of them will hoist the trophy. But don’t just picture those two with the Heisman. Take a look at the top eight vote-getters from this season.

1. Derrick Henry, RB, Alabama (1,832 points)
2. Christian McCaffrey, RB, Stanford (1,539)
3. Deshaun Watson, QB, Clemson (1,165)
4. Baker Mayfield, QB, Oklahoma (334)
5. Keenan Reynolds, QB, Navy (180)
6. Leonard Fournette, RB, LSU (110)
7. Dalvin Cook, RB, Florida State (79)
8. Ezekiel Elliott, RB, Ohio State (57)

Besides McCaffrey and Watson, Mayfield, Fournette and Cook will return next year. So will Oregon tailback Royce Freeman, who led the Pac-12 in rushing (1,706 yards). So will Ohio State quarterback J.T. Barrett, who looked like a Heisman candidate as a redshirt freshman and should own the Buckeyes’ starting job free and clear as a redshirt junior. So will UCLA quarterback Josh Rosen, who looked like a budding superstar in his first few college games and should enjoy the fruits of a year-one-to-year-two improvement.

Source: Early look at 2016 Heisman race: Who follows Derrick Henry?

5.

Out of Chaos Comes Order

Every season, hundreds of college football teams line up for a three-month, 12-game haul in the hopes of gaining a spot in the College Football Playoff.

This year, it was an easy selection. Clemson, Alabama, Michigan State, and Oklahoma were the right picks. It was a relatively easy night for Jeff Long and his committee.

However, looking back at the regular season, six critical plays were needed to make this year’s selection such a simple one. Had these plays not happened, controversy would’ve reigned supreme over the college football world.

Here are the six plays that defined the 2015 college football season.

Source: Sports Central / Sports Articles and Columns / College Football / Six Plays that Defined the 2015 Season

Kane's point streak ends at 26, Avs blank Blackhawks

6.

You Play to #Win the Game

”We didn’t focus on (Kane’s streak), we focused on winning the hockey game,” Colorado coach Patrick Roy said. ”I thought we did a good job offensively, defensively. in the neutral zone.

”I liked our game tonight, and our goalie was really solid in key moments in the game.”

Source: Kane’s point streak ends at 26, Avs blank Blackhawks

Greased Lightning Round 2

#21 in your program, #1 in your hearts

 

1. Primetime tonight…It’s sweeps week for the NFL as their year-long reality show finally answers the question – Who’s got the best Mock-draft.0?  Only in ‘Murica is a labor force not permitted to speak freely to a prospective employer whenever there’s an opening.  One level below, that same workforce was free to accept any scholarship offer, but that’s just the kind of stand-in-the-way-business the NFL has been known for since ’35.  Besides, they know you’re gonna watch.  The only two reasons to watch; is to pretend you have any idea who your team should take and hope your team has a clue drafting that guy – or more importantly, like me, laugh at the pick the teams you despise just selected.  Yelling such low-brow things like: idiots!, hillbillies!, oh’yeah!?, and c’mere’a’minute.  Perfect for when the Broncos select a Kicker in the 1st round.  If you’re there next to that fan, look closely between your hysterical-hyena laughing, to notice they will begin to look like some sort of pig being eaten alive by meat-bats!

YOUR TEAM’S PICKS:

Dallas Cowboys — 27th (first round), 28th (second), 27th (third), 28th (fourth), 27th (fifth), 19th from San Diego (seventh), 26th from Baltimore (seventh).

New York Giants — 9th (first round), 8th (second), 10th (third), 9th (fourth), 8th (fifth), 10th (sixth), 9th (seventh), 28th from Denver (seventh).

Philadelphia Eagles — 20th (first round), 20th (second), 20th (third), 14th from San Francisco through Buffalo (fourth), 9th from St. Louis (fifth).

Chicago Bears — 7th (first round), 7th (second), 7th (third), 7th (fourth), 6th from Jets (fifth), 7th (sixth).

Detroit Lions — 23rd (first round), 22nd (second), 24th (third), 24th (sixth), 14th from Miami through Baltimore (seventh), 23rd (seventh).

Minnesota Vikings — 11th (first round), 13th (second round), 12th (third round), 11th (fourth), 1st from Tampa Bay through Buffalo (fifth), 11th (seventh), 15th from San Francisco through Miami (seventh).

Buffalo Bills — 18th (second round), 17th (third), 19th (fifth) 12th from Minnesota (sixth), 18th (sixth), 17th (seventh).

Miami Dolphins — 14th (first round), 15th (second), 15th (third), 13th from Minnesota (fifth), 14th (fifth), 15th (sixth).

New York Jets — 6th (first round), 5th (second), 6th (third), 5th (fourth), 6th (seventh), 7th (seventh).

Baltimore Ravens — 26th (first round), 26th (second), 26th (third), 23rd from Detroit (fourth), 26th (fourth), 37th compensatory (fourth), 22nd from Detroit (fifth), 35th compensatory (fifth), 40th compensatory (fifth), 28th from Dallas (sixth).

Cincinnati Bengals — 21st (first round), 21st (second), 21st (third), 35th compensatory (third), 21st (fourth), 36th compensatory (fourth), 21st (fifth), 21st (sixth), 22nd (seventh).

Cleveland Browns — 12th (first round), 19th from Buffalo (first), 11th (second), 13th (third), 12th (fourth), 16th from Buffalo (fourth), 11th (fifth), 13th (sixth), 26th from Baltimore (sixth), 12th (seventh).

Pittsburgh Steelers — 22nd (first round), 24th (second) 23rd (third), 22nd (fourth), 24th (fifth), 23rd (sixth), 36th compensatory (sixth), 22nd (seventh).

Atlanta Falcons — 8th (first round), 10th (second), 9th (third), 8th (fourth), 10th (fifth), 9th (sixth), 8th (seventh), 32nd from New England through St Louis (seventh).

Carolina Panthers — 25th (first round), 25th (second), 25th (third), 25th (fourth), 25th (fifth), 33rd compensatory (fifth), 38th compensatory (fifth), 25th (sixth), 25th (seventh).

Houston Texans — 16th (first round), 19th second), 18th (third), 17th (fourth), 16th (fifth), 39th compensatory (fifth), 19th (sixth), 35th compensatory (sixth), 40th compensatory (sixth), 18th (seventh).

Indianapolis Colts — 29th (first round), 29th (second), 29th (third), 29th (fourth), 29th (fifth), 29th (sixth), 31st from Seattle (sixth), 27th from Dallas (seventh), 38th compensatory (seventh).

Tennessee Titans — 2nd (first round), 1st (second), 2nd (third), 1st (fourth), 2nd (fifth), 1st (sixth), 32nd (sixth).

Arizona Cardinals — 24th (first round), 23rd (second), 22nd (third), 24th (fourth), 23rd (fifth), 22nd (sixth), 24th (seventh), 39th compensatory (seventh).

St Louis Rams — 10th (first round), 9th (second), 8th (third), 20th from Philadelphia (fourth), 39th compensatory (sixth), 10th (seventh).

Seattle Seahawks — 31st (second round), 31st (third), 13th from New Orleans (fourth), 31st (fourth), 35th compensatory (fourth), 31st (fifth), 34th compensatory (fifth), 5th from Jets (sixth), 33rd compensatory (sixth), 38th compensatory (sixth), 31st (seventh).

Denver Broncos — 28th (first round), 27th (second), 28th (third), 34th compensatory (fourth), 7th from Chicago (fifth), 28th (fifth), 27th (sixth), 33rd compensatory (seventh), 34th compensatory (seventh), 35th compensatory (seventh).

Oakland Raiders — 4th (first round), 3rd (second), 4th (third), 3rd (fourth), 4th (fifth), 3rd (sixth), 4th (seventh).

Washington Redskins — 5th (first round), 6th (second), 5th (third), 6th (fourth), 5th (fifth), 6th (sixth), 5th (seventh).

Jacksonville Jaguars — 3rd (first round), 4th (second), 3rd (third), 4th (fourth), 3rd (fifth), 4th (sixth), 3rd (seventh).

San Diego Chargers — 17th (first round), 16th (second), 19th (third), 18th (fourth), 17th (fifth), 16th (sixth).

Tampa Bay Buccaneers — 1st (first round), 2nd (second), 1st (third), 10h (fourth), 26th (fifth), 32nd (fifth), 8th (sixth), 2nd (seventh).

New England Patriots — 32nd (first round), 32nd (second), 32nd (third), 2nd (fourth), 32nd (fourth), 2nd (sixth), 1st (seventh).

San Francisco 49ers — 15th (first round), 14th (second), 15th (third), 27th (fourth), 15th (fifth), 14th (sixth), 29th (seventh).

New Orleans Saints — 13th (first round), 31st (first), 12th (second), 11th (third), 12th (fifth), 11th (sixth), 11th (seventh).

Kansas City Chiefs — 18th (first round), 17th (second), 16th (third), 19th (fourth), 18th (fifth), 17th (sixth), 16th (seventh).

Green Bay Packers — 30th (first round), 30th (second), 30th (third), 30th (fourth), 30th (fifth), 30th (sixth), 30th (seventh)


 

 

2. Daddy says dice are wicked!…For the truly degenerate, here are some prop bets for the NFL Draft tonight/weekend…I’ll talk with my attorney and see who he likes, maybe post his picks later…

  • Who will be the No. 1 selection (Bovada)

    Jameis Winston (-1000)
    Marcus Mariota (+350)
    Any other player (+1200)

    Who will be the No. 2 selection (Bovada)

    Jameis Winston (+500)
    Marcus Mariota (-300)
    Dante Fowler Jr (+1000)
    Leonard Williams (+700)
    Any Other Player (+500)

    Marcus Mariota will be drafted by the Titans (Sportsbook)

    Yes (-140)
    No (EVEN)

    How many teams will trade up for 1st round pick on Day 1? (Sportsbook)

    Over 2.5 (-400)
    Under 2.5 (+270)

    Draft Position: Amari Cooper (Bovada)

    OVER 5.5 (+200)
    UNDER 5.5 (-300)

    Draft Position: Kevin White (Bovada)

    OVER 7 (-120)
    UNDER 7 (-120)

    Draft Position: Todd Gurley (Bovada)

    OVER 12.5 (-120)
    UNDER 12.5 (-120)

    Draft Position: Melvin Gordon (Bovada)

    OVER 22.5 (-120)
    UNDER 22.5 (-120)

    Draft Position: Dante Fowler (Bovada)

    OVER 3.5 (-200)
    UNDER 3.5 (+150)

    How many Running Backs will be drafted in the 1st Round? (Bovada)

    OVER 1.5 (-500)
    UNDER 1.5 (+300)

    How many Wide Receivers will be drafted in the 1st Round? (Bovada)

    OVER 5.5 (-140)
    UNDER 5.5 (+150)

    How many Quarterbacks will be drafted in the 1st Round? (Sportsbook)

    OVER 2.5 (+300)
    UNDER 2.5 (-450)

    Mr. Irrelevant: Last player drafted will be (Kickers = Offense / Punter = Defense):

    Offensive player (-105)
    Defensive player (-105)


3. It’s dignity! Gah! Don’t you even know dignity when you see it?  The Grizzlies take care of the ‘Blazers – the Hawks held off the Nets – will the Bulls escape the Bucks and can we please have 7 games with the Spurs and Clippers?  I will watch the NBA tonight more than the draft, because there is this thing called Twitter that I can get the info I need about the NFL, or just read about it tomorrow – because what I want tonight is a Clippers win.  I want 7 games.  I’ll take a Bucks win too, just to see Chicago choke.  Just like the Detroit s#*^Wings!

 

3rd Stone From the Sun

Animals! Anarchy! I have always hated kids, especially at this time of year. They wander in and out of the house, babbling and drooling on each other, and when it snows, piling up, up, up, then flooding with filth when it melts. … Yes sir, haven’t I been telling you all along that March is a horrible month? It sucks in nine-thousand ways.  Especially in Texas.  The whole state went 0’fer.

But not all ways, as it turns out. No. Shaquille O’Neal was born in March, along with my son and other sons I’m related too, and the bastard child of Charles Manson. How many more games can be decided by a single point?

Hot damn! I could go on and on about this, but that would drive us all mad. Justin Bieber was spawned in March, along with Jack Kerouac, Queen Latifah, Albert Einstein and Osama bin Laden.

So let’s get back to basketball and the looming UCLA-UAB game. Even the president is worried about it.

We live in downhill times, in basketball and everywhere else. By this time next year, we will all be arrested for something, whether we’re guilty or not. “Terrorism” has many, many faces. Frankly, I will not be shocked to see the NCAA basketball tournament being played in a titanium cage at Guantanamo Bay, with defrocked priests as Referees calling goal-tending.

But the LSU situation haunts me more than the others, right now, if only because I watched upset after upset yesterday – and the beloved Tigers missing 20 consecutive shots. My heart is heavy, my mood is glum.  How is that goal-tending?! Bracket Destruction is a horrible pig. It is sort of like texting a lady late at night after washing down your tears with Jameson and Miller Lite.

Yeah. Suck on that one for a minute.

As for my quasi-flaky Tigers, professional circumstance has already spared me the agony of deciding where to put my money today. Right, no more of this s***-eating grief. I have finally grown up, I have matured — the Office Pool bracket sheet says I have already picked Northern Iowa in the Elite 8.

Indeed. I did it Monday, when I thought I was still thinking clearly. You bet: The Bruins are a No. 11 seed. And UAB is the No. 14.

It’s easy: Just bet the higher-seeded team in every game, and forget that amateur crap about “Personal Loyalties” and Home Team hunches that reveal themselves to you just before dawn on game day. You are probably an Alcoholic, anyway, and you are prone to Doubling Up/down, so what? Pay no attention to any yo-yo who tells you that Wisconsin is going to win. That is nonsense, that is impossible, nobody in basketball would bet Wisconsin over Kentucky. It would be 33-1 or 44-1, if you thought about monetizing it.

And some people will, at any odds. What the hell? I would bet heavily on my people at 22-1, and a bit less heavily at 15-1, or even 11-1. Why not? Big Risk is what this ball-busting March Madness is all about, right? Go long, get weird, kick ass — and if we Lose, get really Weird.

Yes sir, that is exactly what we do around here in March, folks. We load up on everything we can get our hands on, then crawl into a huge vat of ice water and bet gigantic money with jokers on both coasts.

It is not much different from that giggly, blind-dumb limbo that a gambler will get into when he knows in his heart that he finally has a Sure Thing, a sleeping dog who can’t lose, etc. etc.

But let me tell you for sure, people, that Gonzaga can lose, and the ‘Zags probably will. It is actually about a 57-1 shot, which is not for your everyday hometown beer drunk. … NoDakSt might be simply Bigger, Faster, Smarter, Tougher and on most days just a little more adventurous than this Gonzaga team, which is not even as good as the one that lost to UConn in the Elite Eight in 1999. They have the shooters, but do they have the muscle or the depth to play 40 minutes with the Bison?

The final spread will be at least two digits. Try 18, as in 89-71. I have already predicted this with my blind-dog-smokin-bracket-sheet, which was strictly impersonal.

Or almost impersonal, anyway: In a fit of stupid loyalty or love or maybe just a pimp’s lust for melodrama, I fell for crowd-pleasing Cinderella-teams like Iowa St, Baylor and Eastern Washington, which all got busted early. Screw them. All of my Final Four picks are still alive, and that is more than some people can say.

My attorney will almost certainly live to be 122 years old, when he will still be the amazing all-time champion of sports and literature that he is today, and has been for the past 12 years. Whatever it is that he eats after midnight, we should all eat more of it. Take it from me: I know how it feels to run at top speed for years and still believe in Santa Claus.

Whoops, maybe not Santa, but definitely Valentine’s Day and the Fourth of July. It was my attorney, in fact, who told me to bet Arizona even, with no points at all, at 13-1 odds to win it all. Got it? That means Wisconsin, Villanova and Duke, too.

So I will, and nevermind what I really think — which is that Northern Iowa will knock off ‘Nova and Wichita St will somehow beat Kansas. Right, and that’s about it for my ramblings of an insane gambler, for now. I hear the gong, and I must have whiskey.

3rd Stone from the Sun

Beware the Ides of March – I’m a Hustler of Culture

History has shown that tragedy strikes frequently in March – it has never failed to bring fear, grief and extremely tangible losses – we always say this year will be different.  But as gamblers, it’s a time of rooted sludge, foul treason and guaranteed personal implosion.  It’s not quite spring and I get the creeps everytime I look at the calendar….big tree fall hard.  Even astrologers will tell you that March is a time to lay low and too beware taking risks, because March is ruled by Mars – the Sun is in Pisces, which is the worst time of the year to make decisions – just ask Caesaret tu brute?  Those decisions are sure to be made for emotional disturbances, rather than logic or rational thought.  Stupidity might be the new law of the universe.

Our culture has gone from civil debate, to twitter trolls, to the guy on Wheel of Fortune asking if he could make an “on-the-spot-dice-spin”?  You wonder if intelligence has become a liability to only be answered by a single word: MEH.  Morons, out in force, making left hand turns from right-hand lanes so they can pay for tacos in a drive thru with a check – “I have to have more money – I have more checks.”  You ask what happened?  What happened, is first…..uh 7?  It seems the break down is in education, with mandatory testing, lamenting we leave no child behind – only to leave our kids barely being qualified to run the ‘whack-a-mole’ at the traveling circus.

You could say we are at the fork in the road and it’s time to eat.  To the left you got books and to the right you have technology.  I’m wanting to take the hard left – but that sweet-digital-voice is telling you that technology will make it better – meaning less work, less thought, more stupid and soon it will no longer be just the King who shit himself.  We all will line up and take instruction from the giant LED screen and as long as we follow along, they might actually let us keep the little piece of our brain in a jar to take home.  Don’t believe me?  They still keep talking about how a man will be able to make love to any woman he sees on TV thru virtual reality – and you know it’s all over then, because being unemployed won’t be so bad when you can spend the $19.99 of your unemployment check to insert yourself into the latest bacchanal on Game of Thrones, or bang the Carl’s Jr spokes model in-between late night re-runs of the Simpsons.  It will make crack look like bottled water.

Brainstorm – 1983

That brings it full-circle to US – the degenerate gamblers – we know the terrible truth that March is truly the month of the NCAA men’s basketball tournament – and we know what that means, don’t we? Yes sir.  It’s the wheat from the chafe – it’s the belief that you know more than the other mouth-breathers – the realization that technology can help you pick a better bracket – it won’t.  The game is rigged, and that little piece of brain they let you keep – you needed that.  Even for the coolest and calmest Professional Risk taker it becomes extremely dangerous territory – less for the emotionally berserk amateurs with ‘home team fever’ – those poor bastards are doomed – It is a mathematical certainty – like musical chairs with only one chair.  Do you want to see the scars on my soul from past gambling disasters that never healed?  Want proof that scars on a man’s soul are real?  Ask any Kentucky fan anytime he sees the word “Duke.” #1992

March is a month without mercy for rabid basketball fans.  There’s no such thing as a gentleman’s gambler, no matter how much cognac (VSXOP please) you drink when the big dance rolls around.  All sheep will be fleeced, all fools punished…even your good friends will turn into harpies – they watch you intensely for any sign of emotional commitment to your bets, and then jump on you like a “john” on dollar day.  Loyalty is a fatal weakness in this game – it’s an open invitation to a beating.  I have been aware of it for years now and I am quick to take advantage when I see it in others.  Any Jackass who will bet his heart instead of his head on tournament games is either a brindled stooge or temporarily deranged – and all suckers are fair game, especially when they are crazy.  While I preach it, for some sick reason, I have never been fully able to cure myself of it, even though the pain it brings is swift and unmerciful.

So a better tournament-mouse-trap is being built for production on Monday – for we are the wolves, and for now, we have the directions off the yellow brick road, thru the back door to OZ.  We will walk into their homes, their places of business, and their watering holes – placing ourselves on our rightful throne of sagacious wisdom, laughing like a gang of hyenas – Lounging in our Olympic-sized-middle-finger-pool filled with Evian; while having the guy who licks our cars clean, beat the 3rd world orphan boy, because he was late walking our pure-bred-hip-dysplas’ed toy pinscher with our new Callaway platinum putter – we club them all like baby seals, careful to not get blood on our freshly manicured mink lawn.  Huzzah!

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Ravens Baltimore_ntc120 @ New_england_6n_120 Patriots 01/10 04:35 PM NBC Clear-night 16f Clear 8m WSW

NE -7 (47.5)

The Patriots are not the dynasty you remember, or hate, but they may be the best team in the AFC.  In their last 9 playoff games since 2008 they are a Peyton-esque 4-5.  Tom Brady has .444 winning percentage since 2008.  In the last three times they have met – Tom is 1-2 against the Ravens – could be 0-3 if someone could catch.  They have had O-line issues all year and now the Ravens come into town with the league’s best sack%, of 9.4.  Joe Flacco, in his last 4 playoff games has thrown 13 TD to 0 INT’s.  Flacco has 7 post season road wins, most all time, and the 6th highest winning % (.714) in the playoffs with a minimum of 10 starts.  So it says.  Expect a good, tough game.  Expect some points to be scored, because Baltimore may have the league’s best sack%, but their secondary is terrible.  More than 40% of the time New England lines up with 2 TE’s, so who is going to cover Tim Wright AND Gronk for the Ravens?  The key to both will be who runs the ball better and which D covers the TE’s best – either way it sets up for a Manning v Brady AFC title game XXV.  Plus, let’s look at the actual wins the Ravens have against: the entire NFC South, Cleveland, Jacksonville, Tennessee – it says to me, Paper-Tiger.  The A.I. says the Patriots win but do not cover and believes the OVER is the right side.  If you want to play straight up, I lean towards the Ravens…if you want to get crazy, I would tease the Ravens and tease the OVER.

FanDuel consideration: Joe Flacco, Justin Forsett, Tim Wright, K.Aiken, J.Edelman

Vegas consideration: tease Ravens and the OVER

DiRT Canon A.I. says: Patriots by 2.6 and the OVER


Panthers Carolina_6n_120 @ Seattle_6n_120a Seahawks 01/10 08:15 PM FOX Ncloudy 44f Overcast 1m S

SEA -10.5 (40)

Beware the Panthers D they say!  That is what we have seen the last 5 weeks and if (s)Cam Newton is anything like his rookie season this could get ugly for Seattle and their hope for a repeat.  In 5 of the last 7 games Seattle has failed to score 20 points.  Who does Russell Wilson throw to against that D, and besides Marshawn Lynch what kind of offense can we expect.  If you have been reading this site for awhile you would have witnessed that we projected a Panther victory previous to this matchup, and you’re getting 10.5pts on top of it- that’s a sweet cherry.

NOT SO FAST MY FRIEND!

The last two times these two have played they have been close but, the Kitties have 1 TD in the redzone in their last 6 attempts.  Plus, this will be the FIRST time that Carolina has played IN Seattle.  (s)Cam Newton is a bust that continues to devolve and without Defensive Tackle Lotulelei for Carolina, expect Marshawn to do what he do in the Great Northwest – skittle-chasin-beast-mode!  Seattle also gets back 2-time all-pro C Max Unger.  Factor in the East-coast -to the- West-coast trend, add to it, a night game IN Seattle and more importantly this:  since 2000, non-home underdogs of 10+pts or more, are 4-7 ATS (1-7 if you remove the 2007 Patriots) and since 2007, the Seahawks are 31-12 ATS at home.  The A.I. says the Seahawks win but do not cover; however, I’ll take Seattle straight up.  I believe this will not be close and the right play is all on Seattle – as I trust Russell, Skittles and big game Pete, more than anything the Kitties have – Kuechly is a man, but will not be enough.

FanDuel consideration: Marshawn Lynch, Doug Baldwin

Vegas consideration: Seattle +10.5, tease the UNDER

DiRT Canon A.I. says: Seattle by 5 and the OVER


Cowboys Dallas_6n120 @ Greenbay_6n_120 Packers 01/11 01:05 PM FOX Cloudy 17f Overcast 7m W

GB -5.5 (52)

Both the UNDER and the LINE have dropped since opening at 53 and GB -6.  It’s a battle of unbeaten streaks: GB is 8-0 at home and Dallas is 8-0 on the road – something’s gotta give.  This is also the first time Dallas has met Green Bay, in Lambeau, in the playoffs, since 1967’s Ice Bowl where the Packers defeated the Cowboys 21-17.  The weather does not expect to be the same but the score could be.  Aaron Rodgers is a remarkable 36 TD to 0 INT’s at home and their Defense since wk9, has only allowed 2 RB’s to gain more than 60yds, (LeSean McCoy and Fred Jackson).  However, DeMarco and the Cowboy O-line are more than willing to challenge that #6-ranked Packer D.  If the Packers do shutdown or limit DeMarco, Dallas is more than capable to throw it with Romo, Dez, and Witten.  In comparison to when Dallas throws the ball, consider this:  the Packers D allows an average of 22 completions at home. 1.9 TD’s thrown, but averages 1.8 takeaways a game, at home.  Rodgers has a slight-tear in his calf and that’s gonna limit him scrambling, but it does not limit his lethality within the pocket.  The Cowboys have the #22-ranked D and the difference from last years D to this years D is the success of the offense controlling the clock and giving those guys rest.  The Cowboys still give up first-downs at a rate of 43%.  Both teams’ last game was against Detroit, so…Dallas escaped scoring 24pts,  Green Bay ran up 30pts at home while also holding Detroit to 20pts.  So where do we go? Do we trust Roddgers with a bad wheel over Romo? Is Jordy and Cobb more dangerous than Dez and Witten?  who has a better day running the ball, Lacy or Murray?  The A.I. says this game is really close and that there is greater value in Dallas than with Green Bay.  There is something about Dallas this year that has me taking the Cowboys against Aaron Rodgers – or maybe its the good luck of C.Christie’s awful-orange sweater.

FanDuel consideration: Tony Romo, Eddie Lacy, Dez, Witten, Cobb, R.Rodgers

Vegas consideration: Cowboys +5.5, tease the OVER

DiRT Canon A.I. says: Green Bay by .23, and the OVER


Colts Indianapolis_6n_120 @ Denver_6n_120 Broncos 01/11 04:40 PM CBS Cloudy 40f Overcast 2m E

DEN -7 (53.5)

This should be named the Legacy-Bowl because both QB’s have so much riding on this game.  If Luck loses, you’ll here how much talent he has but struggles against good teams and winning on the road, (14-12).  With a loss, it will not matter, to many, that Andrew Luck has a terrible offensive line and the Colts have not had ANY RB rush for 100yds, in ANY game since 2012 – that’s KC WR bad.  Now imagine the fallout, if the greatest-regular-season-QB-of-all-time choked away another 1st-round-bye-home-playoff-loss.  The pressure has to be immense each week for Peyton, until he WINS another title.  The positive is, aside from Peyton’s recent wet-noodle-ness throwing the ball, the pressure is dispersed amongst the newly found ground game and #2 D.  CJ Anderson has 8 TD’s in his last 6 games and it reminds me of the last years of John Elway finally giving the keys to Terrell Davis – not saying it IS the same thing – just saying maybe Peyton has finally loosened his control and allowed other guys to help him win.  You read/here, that Peyton’s teammates want the pressure dispersed and want to win FOR him, much like they did for Elway.  Denver’s D has only allowed a league best 25.76 yds per drive, so with no-one to run the ball for the Colts, Luck is gonna have to chuck it.  I see this as a repeat of week 1 with a likely back-door cover by the Colts.  I do not like this game very much because the line is a bit high with all the what-ifs, but I would lean on teasing Denver and teasing the over.  The A.I. says Denver wins the game, but close.

FanDuel consideration: Luck, CJ Anderson, Julius Thomas!, D.Moncrief

Vegas consideration: tease Denver and tease the OVER

DiRT Canon A.I. says: Denver by 1.38 and the OVER

So here is your 8-team TEASER bet +8.5 ties win: Denver(+1.5) and the OVER(45), Dallas(+14) and the OVER(43.5), Seattle(-2) and the UNDER(48.5), Baltimore(+15.5) and the OVER(39).


Here is last week’s perfect lineup for FanDuel:

wcweekend-perfect-lineup


For multiple lineup combinations in FanDuel consider using these low-cost guys: Julius Thomas is only $5,500 

Legarette Blount

Donte Moncrief

Doug Baldwin

Kamar Aiken

Dan Herron

Tim Wright

Baltimore D

Green Bay D

Justin Tucker