Be not fearful about the turning of the calendar: We have already foreseen the future and thus are prepared for what is coming. So: Here are our 100 predictions for 2016.
1. You will wake up on New Years Eve morning with someone mad at you for watching the College Football Playoff semifinal rather than enjoying New Years Even with loved ones like a normal person.
2. Or, perhaps even more likely, you will have fallen asleep before the game ended, let alone midnight.
3. The ratings for the CFP semifinal will be down dramatically from last year’s January 1 tilts.
4. will not change anything, and the games will still be on NYE next year, annoying everyone.
5. It will still be the Sugar Bowl’s fault.
6. The only interesting New Years Day bowl game will be Iowa-Stanford, which tells you just about everything you need to know about the New Years Day games this year.
7. You’ll turn on the NHL Winter Classic, say, “Hey, I should watch more hockey, this is great,” but then you won’t watch any more hockey the rest of the year than you usually do.
8. Your AFC playoff teams: Cincinnati, Denver, Houston, Kansas City, New England and the New York Jets.
9. Your NFC playoff teams: Arizona, Carolina, Green Bay, Minnesota, Seattle and Washington.
10. The CFP title game will feature Alabama beating Clemson.
11. Derrick Henry will be the game’s MVP, but he’ll still be a second-round draft pick in the NFL.
12. He’ll end up being better than all the other rookie backs anyway.
13. Your AFC wild-card weekend winners: NY Jets over Cincinnati, Kansas City over Houston.
14. Your NFC wild-card weekend winners: Seattle over Green Bay, Minnesota over Washington.
15. Your AFC divisional weekend winners: New England over NY Jets, Denver over Kansas City.
16. Your NFC wild-card weekend winners: Carolina over Seattle, Arizona over Minnesota.
17. Your AFC Championship game will feature Tom Brady against Peyton Manning, one last time.
18. Except Denver will ruin it by starting Brock Oswieler.
19. Osweiler will throw four interceptions, the Patriots will win by 20 and Manning will get in for the last drive, waving goodbye.
20. (He will of course wave his hands furiously and start screaming out audibles, even though he’s not actually running a play at that time.)
21. Cam Newton will play an incredible NFC Championship game, but Cardinals kicker Chandler Catanzaro will kick a 45-yard field goal at the buzzer to send the Cardinals to the second Super Bowl in franchise history.
22. Some Cardinals jerk will dab just to rub Cam’s face in it.
23. The winner of the Pro Bowl will be … ha, just kidding.
24. It’ll be a relief when the Super Bowl goes back to the Roman numerals. It’s very confusing and disorienting.
25. At some point during media week, Cardinals coach Bruce Arians will make some sort of a crack about deflated footballs, and that will be all anyone talks about all week.