Soil’d Principles

Roy Campanella showing you how to block the plate

Let’s do the time-warp again…

A good craftsmen never blames his tools and a league should never blame theirs.  Much as a violin can not play a concerto by itself, a ball cannot do anything but sit there until the laws of physics apply to an object at rest.

So the NFL, in the midst of its greatest crisis in its 95 year history, has another league concerned about the preservation of one of its implements.  Major League Baseball wants you too know it has beefed up its ball security.

As part of a new security plan this season to further safeguard game balls, an MLB representative now watches them get carried by a clubhouse assistant from the umpires’ room to the field – and if the supply of eight dozen or so runs low during a game, an MLB security person is sent to retrieve more.  In the past, a ball boy or ball girl did those jobs alone.

Did the planet just pass thru some intergalactic-comet’s tail – warping the space-time continuum?  Are we in some kind of alternate-reality caused by gigantic solar-flares, where baseball demonstrates how serious it takes the integrity of its game?  Forgive me if I appear a bit dizzy from the black-hole after-effects, but I’m pretty sure baseball has never had an issue of someone messing with the ball before it got to the pitcher – superball-cores aside.  We heard of those accusations of juiced baseballs before we found out that it was also the players that were inflated.  We also know prior to that era, speed and cocaine were common performance enhancers.  Baseball has a sordid-history of pitches called the spit-ball, shine-ball, scuff-ball etc…that at one point were legal.  Hell, pitchers alone have been doctoring baseball’s integrity since the beginning – just last year, Michael Pineda was suspended for pine tar – has anyone check him this year?  The sanctimonious baseball writers elected an acclaimed PHD of cowhide-practitioning into the Hall of Fame – Gaylord Perry!

Sure a ball’s life cycle is short and a screamer hit on astro-turf or in the dirt, is thrown out before a pitcher gets to it again, limiting any advantage – but pitchers have been rumored recently to slather on extra sunscreen on their arms to make the ball do funky things in the air and off the bat.  They also allowed an entire organization to create a humidor to alter how the ball reacts to different atmospheric conditions – it doesn’t seem to be helping much – bring back gorilla-ball!

So to come out and pat yourself on the back for your new ball security policies is laughable in light of the NFL’s – Kettle?! This is Pot! You’re Black!

So if MLB is serious about the virute of the ball to create a level playing field, then they need too remove the biggest obstacle to a ball’s integrity – the pitcher.  Think about it, we have the technology to create a pitching machine that is programmable and remote-controlled by the catcher – making him the most valuable player in the sport, maybe an icon in all sports – disappearing into the mound after a pitch.  It would shorten the game considerably.  Would anyone miss hurlers anymore, besides their families?  Pitchers are lazy, brittle, pampered meat-sacks that cost too much money.  Money that would be better used on someone who has speed on the base-paths, a canon arm behind the plate, or a sick bat.  Think of all the variations that occur now with a bunt or an infield hit, and the return of collisions at home plate…

While we’re at it we’ll limit the total number of pitches to 5 – considering that a pitching machine could throw a 95mph slider past you 5 times in a row, or a 12-6 curveball, or a wobbly knuckler – all depending on what the catcher dials up – will always be strikes – you either get a hit, or strike out – sure you could still get one in the ribs for being a jackass but a HBP puts you on second instead of first and that wouldn’t be wise if you changed the scoring to total bases, instead of conventional runs.

Pitchers are like tits on a bull.  With no pitcher to disrupt the flow and no more nonsense about bullpens and pitching changes – no more useless pick-off throws – no more useless managers needed to coddle their fragile psyches – no more umpires trying to insert themselves into a game by calling balls and strikes – the strike-zone will be a 3D hologram, based on the rulebook, allowing everyone to know the type and location of the last pitch.  It could be a new world – combining brute strength, speed and chess into a beautiful innovation for the next millennia.  Sure purists will complain, bitching is their job – it’s what they do.  But if MLB is serious about removing the corruption of their baseballs then enough with the verbal masturbation, get serious – get rid of the pitcher!


Remote Patrol:

alexovechkinNBA Conference Semifinals: Grizzlies at Warriors on TNT (7:30 p.m., ET); Wizards at Hawks, TNT (5 p.m., ET).

Stanley Cup Playoffs: Capitals at Rangers, Game 7! (7:30 p.m., ET; NBCSN, CBC, TVA). Alex Ovechkin has guaranteed a Washington win, so why watch?

MLB: Mets at Cubs, 8:05 p.m. (ET) ESPN.


It’s sad day for fans like me of the best radio show out there – fun to watch too!

One thought on “Soil’d Principles

Comments are closed.