Greased Lightning Round 2

#21 in your program, #1 in your hearts

 

1. Primetime tonight…It’s sweeps week for the NFL as their year-long reality show finally answers the question – Who’s got the best Mock-draft.0?  Only in ‘Murica is a labor force not permitted to speak freely to a prospective employer whenever there’s an opening.  One level below, that same workforce was free to accept any scholarship offer, but that’s just the kind of stand-in-the-way-business the NFL has been known for since ’35.  Besides, they know you’re gonna watch.  The only two reasons to watch; is to pretend you have any idea who your team should take and hope your team has a clue drafting that guy – or more importantly, like me, laugh at the pick the teams you despise just selected.  Yelling such low-brow things like: idiots!, hillbillies!, oh’yeah!?, and c’mere’a’minute.  Perfect for when the Broncos select a Kicker in the 1st round.  If you’re there next to that fan, look closely between your hysterical-hyena laughing, to notice they will begin to look like some sort of pig being eaten alive by meat-bats!

YOUR TEAM’S PICKS:

Dallas Cowboys — 27th (first round), 28th (second), 27th (third), 28th (fourth), 27th (fifth), 19th from San Diego (seventh), 26th from Baltimore (seventh).

New York Giants — 9th (first round), 8th (second), 10th (third), 9th (fourth), 8th (fifth), 10th (sixth), 9th (seventh), 28th from Denver (seventh).

Philadelphia Eagles — 20th (first round), 20th (second), 20th (third), 14th from San Francisco through Buffalo (fourth), 9th from St. Louis (fifth).

Chicago Bears — 7th (first round), 7th (second), 7th (third), 7th (fourth), 6th from Jets (fifth), 7th (sixth).

Detroit Lions — 23rd (first round), 22nd (second), 24th (third), 24th (sixth), 14th from Miami through Baltimore (seventh), 23rd (seventh).

Minnesota Vikings — 11th (first round), 13th (second round), 12th (third round), 11th (fourth), 1st from Tampa Bay through Buffalo (fifth), 11th (seventh), 15th from San Francisco through Miami (seventh).

Buffalo Bills — 18th (second round), 17th (third), 19th (fifth) 12th from Minnesota (sixth), 18th (sixth), 17th (seventh).

Miami Dolphins — 14th (first round), 15th (second), 15th (third), 13th from Minnesota (fifth), 14th (fifth), 15th (sixth).

New York Jets — 6th (first round), 5th (second), 6th (third), 5th (fourth), 6th (seventh), 7th (seventh).

Baltimore Ravens — 26th (first round), 26th (second), 26th (third), 23rd from Detroit (fourth), 26th (fourth), 37th compensatory (fourth), 22nd from Detroit (fifth), 35th compensatory (fifth), 40th compensatory (fifth), 28th from Dallas (sixth).

Cincinnati Bengals — 21st (first round), 21st (second), 21st (third), 35th compensatory (third), 21st (fourth), 36th compensatory (fourth), 21st (fifth), 21st (sixth), 22nd (seventh).

Cleveland Browns — 12th (first round), 19th from Buffalo (first), 11th (second), 13th (third), 12th (fourth), 16th from Buffalo (fourth), 11th (fifth), 13th (sixth), 26th from Baltimore (sixth), 12th (seventh).

Pittsburgh Steelers — 22nd (first round), 24th (second) 23rd (third), 22nd (fourth), 24th (fifth), 23rd (sixth), 36th compensatory (sixth), 22nd (seventh).

Atlanta Falcons — 8th (first round), 10th (second), 9th (third), 8th (fourth), 10th (fifth), 9th (sixth), 8th (seventh), 32nd from New England through St Louis (seventh).

Carolina Panthers — 25th (first round), 25th (second), 25th (third), 25th (fourth), 25th (fifth), 33rd compensatory (fifth), 38th compensatory (fifth), 25th (sixth), 25th (seventh).

Houston Texans — 16th (first round), 19th second), 18th (third), 17th (fourth), 16th (fifth), 39th compensatory (fifth), 19th (sixth), 35th compensatory (sixth), 40th compensatory (sixth), 18th (seventh).

Indianapolis Colts — 29th (first round), 29th (second), 29th (third), 29th (fourth), 29th (fifth), 29th (sixth), 31st from Seattle (sixth), 27th from Dallas (seventh), 38th compensatory (seventh).

Tennessee Titans — 2nd (first round), 1st (second), 2nd (third), 1st (fourth), 2nd (fifth), 1st (sixth), 32nd (sixth).

Arizona Cardinals — 24th (first round), 23rd (second), 22nd (third), 24th (fourth), 23rd (fifth), 22nd (sixth), 24th (seventh), 39th compensatory (seventh).

St Louis Rams — 10th (first round), 9th (second), 8th (third), 20th from Philadelphia (fourth), 39th compensatory (sixth), 10th (seventh).

Seattle Seahawks — 31st (second round), 31st (third), 13th from New Orleans (fourth), 31st (fourth), 35th compensatory (fourth), 31st (fifth), 34th compensatory (fifth), 5th from Jets (sixth), 33rd compensatory (sixth), 38th compensatory (sixth), 31st (seventh).

Denver Broncos — 28th (first round), 27th (second), 28th (third), 34th compensatory (fourth), 7th from Chicago (fifth), 28th (fifth), 27th (sixth), 33rd compensatory (seventh), 34th compensatory (seventh), 35th compensatory (seventh).

Oakland Raiders — 4th (first round), 3rd (second), 4th (third), 3rd (fourth), 4th (fifth), 3rd (sixth), 4th (seventh).

Washington Redskins — 5th (first round), 6th (second), 5th (third), 6th (fourth), 5th (fifth), 6th (sixth), 5th (seventh).

Jacksonville Jaguars — 3rd (first round), 4th (second), 3rd (third), 4th (fourth), 3rd (fifth), 4th (sixth), 3rd (seventh).

San Diego Chargers — 17th (first round), 16th (second), 19th (third), 18th (fourth), 17th (fifth), 16th (sixth).

Tampa Bay Buccaneers — 1st (first round), 2nd (second), 1st (third), 10h (fourth), 26th (fifth), 32nd (fifth), 8th (sixth), 2nd (seventh).

New England Patriots — 32nd (first round), 32nd (second), 32nd (third), 2nd (fourth), 32nd (fourth), 2nd (sixth), 1st (seventh).

San Francisco 49ers — 15th (first round), 14th (second), 15th (third), 27th (fourth), 15th (fifth), 14th (sixth), 29th (seventh).

New Orleans Saints — 13th (first round), 31st (first), 12th (second), 11th (third), 12th (fifth), 11th (sixth), 11th (seventh).

Kansas City Chiefs — 18th (first round), 17th (second), 16th (third), 19th (fourth), 18th (fifth), 17th (sixth), 16th (seventh).

Green Bay Packers — 30th (first round), 30th (second), 30th (third), 30th (fourth), 30th (fifth), 30th (sixth), 30th (seventh)


 

 

2. Daddy says dice are wicked!…For the truly degenerate, here are some prop bets for the NFL Draft tonight/weekend…I’ll talk with my attorney and see who he likes, maybe post his picks later…

  • Who will be the No. 1 selection (Bovada)

    Jameis Winston (-1000)
    Marcus Mariota (+350)
    Any other player (+1200)

    Who will be the No. 2 selection (Bovada)

    Jameis Winston (+500)
    Marcus Mariota (-300)
    Dante Fowler Jr (+1000)
    Leonard Williams (+700)
    Any Other Player (+500)

    Marcus Mariota will be drafted by the Titans (Sportsbook)

    Yes (-140)
    No (EVEN)

    How many teams will trade up for 1st round pick on Day 1? (Sportsbook)

    Over 2.5 (-400)
    Under 2.5 (+270)

    Draft Position: Amari Cooper (Bovada)

    OVER 5.5 (+200)
    UNDER 5.5 (-300)

    Draft Position: Kevin White (Bovada)

    OVER 7 (-120)
    UNDER 7 (-120)

    Draft Position: Todd Gurley (Bovada)

    OVER 12.5 (-120)
    UNDER 12.5 (-120)

    Draft Position: Melvin Gordon (Bovada)

    OVER 22.5 (-120)
    UNDER 22.5 (-120)

    Draft Position: Dante Fowler (Bovada)

    OVER 3.5 (-200)
    UNDER 3.5 (+150)

    How many Running Backs will be drafted in the 1st Round? (Bovada)

    OVER 1.5 (-500)
    UNDER 1.5 (+300)

    How many Wide Receivers will be drafted in the 1st Round? (Bovada)

    OVER 5.5 (-140)
    UNDER 5.5 (+150)

    How many Quarterbacks will be drafted in the 1st Round? (Sportsbook)

    OVER 2.5 (+300)
    UNDER 2.5 (-450)

    Mr. Irrelevant: Last player drafted will be (Kickers = Offense / Punter = Defense):

    Offensive player (-105)
    Defensive player (-105)


3. It’s dignity! Gah! Don’t you even know dignity when you see it?  The Grizzlies take care of the ‘Blazers – the Hawks held off the Nets – will the Bulls escape the Bucks and can we please have 7 games with the Spurs and Clippers?  I will watch the NBA tonight more than the draft, because there is this thing called Twitter that I can get the info I need about the NFL, or just read about it tomorrow – because what I want tonight is a Clippers win.  I want 7 games.  I’ll take a Bucks win too, just to see Chicago choke.  Just like the Detroit s#*^Wings!