Greased Lightning Round 1

With the upcoming super-cala-whimisical-fantasia of sports arriving by feeding-tube the next few days – we are going to bring you lightning round editions of the DiRT Canon – as there is too much work with all the playoff games for the NBA and NHL, baseball, The ‘Tucky Derby and some sorta superbowly-fight…stay tuned

1. Won’t someone think of the players… For the first time in baseball history a game will be played in front of, no one…It finally answers the question if a bear sh*# in the…no, it’s if a tree falls…or is it if a Oriole game broke out and no one was there to see it…I don’t remember.  In all it’s weirdness, it could be made into a drinking game, example: drink every time you hear someone say surreal, or weird, or empty, etc…We know the “why” and it gives off an eerie feeling like a storm is coming – the likes we haven’t seen in this country, since the summers of ’68/’69.

2. Just the tip… The Clippers are not disciplined enough to beat the Spurs and would someone please drug test Tim Duncan right now – I’ll have what he’s having.  I saw him make plays and ballet around the court last night in a way, that I didn’t think he had it in him anymore.  That block on Blake Griffith in the 4th, then strip him of the ball was classic!  The Lion of Oz needed courage and the Clippers can’t find the yellow-brick road with metal detector.  Need proof?  Missing 16 free-shots from the charity stripe is the difference the game – maybe the series – and when one of your best players, who looked unstoppable, disappears in the 4th Qtr, you’re done – O Blake where art thou.  Instead the Clippers are down 3-2 in the series and head back to the Alamo to be treated like Davy Crockett.

archie-bradley-face

3. I’m fine…it’s fine…s’fine…This is what 115mph of cork+cowhide looks like when it hits your face.  As Archie Bradley of Arizona found out last night when the ball Carlos Gonzales hit, struck Bradley in the mug.  No word yet on how bad the damage may be – but the sound was terrifying, heard all the way, deep down in the DiRT Canon Bunker – like when firewood pops at a campsite.  It wasn’t enough to stop Kyle Kendrick serving meatballs however – he was serving them all night, as the D-Bags won 12-5 over the Rockies.

4. The stars at night…In the worst kept secret in all of sports – Adrian Peterson just wanted to remind people, again, how great it wold be if he could play for Dallas.  Peterson wants it.  Jer-ruh wants it.  In a vortex of irony, the Vikes should rob the Cowboys in a Shakespearean reversal of the Herschel Walker trade.  If anyone needs help piecing together the particulars, I’m available – also for children’s parties.

5. Revenge is a dish best served cold, but Dan Uggla will take warm too…In all to classic Atlanta fashion, the Braves choked a 9-1 lead to lose to the Nationals on Uggla’s 3-run bomb, 13-12.  Uggla went 3-5 with 5 RBI, all while still generating a paycheck for most of his salary from the Braves – they cut him earlier.  It’s just another long-line of stories of Atlanta being burned and last night was just another chapter.

6. All a Twitter…In other news of irony – yesterday Twitter (TWTR) was all set to report their quarterly earnings after the bell rang on the Stock Market.  Word is, it was because the report was to be underwhelming.  The twist is, a software company found the report and released it an hour early – social media wins again!  As you’d expect, Twitter lost 18% of it’s value before trading closed – upended by their very own Frankenstein monster.  It’s like ray-ee-ain, on your wedding day…