Abstract DiRT

Strike 1

The rich girls from TO must be home from college. Tubby, unfortunately manish, and super stuck up are all at Hemingways tonight — Gregg Zaun (@greggzaun) December 19, 2012

Dear DiRT Canon…

I know this is going to sound like a crazy fantasy, but every word of this story is true!

I was in Baltimore in ’95 fulfilling my duties as lowly rookie for a high profile Athletic Company.  Despite my meager status, I was allowed to attend lavish parties and sporting events.  In between such events, I got to know several of my coworkers.  Being nervous and notoriously shy around such talented individuals, I was unsure of how to approach or act.  But they were too full of life, for me not to want to be nearer to them.  They were tall, athletic, knew how to move around and were graceful with the leather and the lumber – if you know what I mean.

Summoning up all my courage, I approached them from the other-side of the locker room.  I awkwardly introduced myself to them and asked them what their names were.  I already knew one of them from several industry magazines, interviews and currently being on an amazing streak.  I felt they were impressed with my straightforwardness, they smiled and said their names – Brady, Ben and Cal.  Embarrassingly, they said they already knew who I was – I say embarrassed because usually I’m very humble and not boastful.

We began to make small talk.  They asked me questions about life, interests, hobbies, etc..I could tell they liked me, they were charming and then they became suggestive.  They must have been able to read my body language because they offered me to join them in the training room.

Going to the Training room with these veterans at that moment, I was in heaven.  They set the mood, by clearing out the room, turning on the remaining lights and beginning to playfully percuss my ribs.  The time was now and I could tell today I was going to become a changed man.  The time for ritualization was upon us and it was mind-blowing.

They strapped me down to the training table, spread eagle and continued with their corporeal torture.  Never before had I been alone with 3 men who knew exactly what they were doing – never before have I met anyone that was more capable or complimentary in the impure – with love, they inscribed rookie on my forehead.  They knew exactly what to do and exactly when – and nearing the happiest of endings, they dumped a bucket of ice down my pants.

When it was over, I was exhausted.  I’m still not sure how long I was strapped to that table – hours perhaps.  But I know I was educated that day.  Educated on what it takes to be a man and too make it in this world.  If only every “rookie” could go thru what I went thru – this business would be better for it.

That’s my playful rendition from notable twit Gregg Zaun explaining how hazing is good for sports and the reason why ex-Blue Jays 3rd baseman, Brett Lawrie is no longer with the team.  In true Penthouse forum fashion he says he was taken out of context by a blogger who only listened to his interview and therefore could not grasp the enthusiasm – Listen to it and judge for yourself here.

Cal Ripken has come out and stated none of this is true, as has Brady Anderson – so do we chalk it up to a guy who was in the Mitchell Report for steroid abuse, downing a few cocktails and delving into fetish fantasia?  Zaun’s-street-cred is that of a 16yr backup catcher, who played for 23 MLB teams, that no one really likes – compared to the street-cred of the Iron Man-Hall of Fame SS-Cal Ripken Jr…There’s usually something about a$$Clowns like Canseco and Zaun – sometimes the sun does shine on a dog’s A$$…


 

Strike 2

Awwww Marketing, the sweeter science.  This is the Mets knew slogan for 2015 and they already have shirts printed!  No idea, what “the damn thing” is, or where it’s going to be taken.  Is it the NL East, more walks, the second wild-card?  – Maybe it’s in honor of the Wilpon’s business dealings with Bernie Madoff – I heard it was his desk-plate.

Rumor has it – it comes from video of this game more than 20yrs ago that the Mets were leading 10-0 (they won 10-9)…The Amazin’s could not find anything else to rally around? It’s like everyone has to have a slogan, mascot, or logo, CRIPES.

 


 

Strike 3

After Derrick Rose’s 2nd right knee injury – 3rd overall – It is the same knee that cost him 10 games into last season.  Either he’s gonna need new legs or get a better doctor.  Whenever it is that he feels he is ready to come back – he has to change his game.  Right?! Become less of a hop-step-slasher to the rim? Maybe the Bulls need a different philosophy if they continue to expect him to slash with two-bad-wheels.  Seems like this career is gonna end up in the woulda-shoulda pile of basketball history.  Here’s hopin’ for a phoenix metaphor the rest of his career – we seem to have hardly knew ya.


maninironmask

‘The Man in the Iron Mask’ – the ‘Must-Haves‘, the ‘Sleepers‘ and those that might find themselves on the trainers table for your FanDuel NBA-delights each night.  We will post these for you everyday by 1p MST – so check back in the afternoon.  ‘Click’ the picture for the days plays.

***Click the picture for Today’s DiRTy Plays – in the next couple of weeks, look for our lineup optimizer – remember to use our referral name***


 

51 yrs ago today…

On February 25, 1964, 22-year-old Cassius Clay shocks the odds-makers by dethroning world heavyweight boxing champ Sonny Liston in a seventh-round technical knockout. The dreaded Liston, who had twice demolished former champ Floyd Patterson in one round, was an 8-to-1 favorite. However, Clay predicted victory, boasting that he would “float like a butterfly, sting like a bee” and knock out Liston in the eighth round. The fleet-footed and loquacious youngster needed less time to make good on his claim–Liston, complaining of an injured shoulder, failed to answer the seventh-round bell. A few moments later, a new heavyweight champion was proclaimed.

 

 

 

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