NBA Fevah, (don’t) Catch it!
February, she’s a cruel witch. She’ll tease you with a coming spring and then smack you with a white squall of snow. Sports in February is like watching a toy boat in a bathtub see-sawing, waiting for some monstrous tidal wave to drown all the bastards on board…You have to get real comfortable with yourself in the space between the Superbowl and March Madness. Like finding something crafty to do, related to fashioning a beard from the mother of your enemy’s chest hair
Football is gone…and basketball just lumbers along. You are reminded that the only basketball worth watching is the last 9 minutes of any NBA game, the rest is just visual masturbation (like any masturbation; it’s cheap, safe and clean, but it’s lonely). Baseball has yet to announce its presence that brighter days are ahead. So you might as well start building fires, read some books, watch some movies and maybe crank up some random congress with the neighbors.
In the bitter cold of February, not even pigs come out for fresh air. But for us upright-walking swine we too need a good reason to get out of bed on hopeless mornings sometimes. Nothing out there on the icy streets of this town moving except, drunkards, criminals and those that lack imagination to call in sick for work. This time of year offers plenty of good reasons to call in sick: The flu, ague fever, shin splits, measles, rickets, stigmata – hell even Black Hairy Tongue Disease, which is extremely contagious.
It is no longer enough to just be in evident pain, or suffering from a nervous breakdown. Those aren’t contagious, and being contagious is what you need. Your reasoning has to be something that even The Boss might catch AND die from. Ebola is still in the news, however, it comes with a lot of scrutiny and publicity. Plus you might get yourself quarantined, only to be found out on nationwide TV and becoming an internet meme. No-No, you need something like Mad-Cow Disease, one wrong hamburger and its all over – THERE’s NO CURE, and it spreads like wildfire! But that hasn’t been newsy enough to scare people in a while, so maybe just stick with Lice. NO one will want you showing up anywhere until the Lice-outbreak is under control. Hell, you might even have neighbors shuttering up your house and posting handbills giving you 3 days before they burn it down…
Luckily, I am currently un-infected, but if you own a trusty Pathologies text, you could open it up to any page and find three solid reasons for doing nothing at all – Highly Recommended!
To let you all know, I will not be attending the Oscars nor The Grammys this month, because I have better sense then to travel 2,000 miles in an airtight aluminum can full of re-circulating germs, viruses and other deadly pathogens/parasites from every country in the world. Even the pilots are sick and you know that at least one passenger will cough up Ebola phlegm or contaminating the latrine-closets with some kind of guinea-worm or microscopic spiders. Only a grade-A idiot would run that risk for something as stupid as an awards show – or going to a V-Spa in LA to see how Gwyneth Paltrow steams her vagina.
Further, I also won’t be going to the NBA All-Star game. God knows what those people might come down with in New York. The game itself will likely make most people sick – its fake basketball, far more fraudulent than anything Wrestling has ever put on TV…At least Wrestlers are making an honest effort on every piledriver et al, and that is a helluva lot more than can be said of the feculently dull NBA comedy. For 3 long quarters it is a trava-sham-ockery of itself. Instead of only the last nine minutes of a NBA game being watchable, only the last 3 minutes are worth it and by that time it’s probably better to watch Walking Dead reruns – oh no, more Zombies.
Not even “The Lebron James Show”, is gonna be good enough to save the NBA from its inevitable Edmund Fitzgerald of ratings. Unless it can coax more than 9 minutes out of its over-priced “stars”…The fan base will continue to shrink, regardless of “Tinder Night”, as more and more fans catch on to the 9-minute rule being the only time an NBA game is watchable. Daily Fantasy games will be the only reason to pay any attention at all. The only thing saving College Basketball is the tournament in March and thank your degenerate stars for that…But that’s another story and we will save that for later.