3rd Stone from the Sun

DO NOT MISTAKE ME FOR ANY OTHER PSYCHIC

I’ve been born of spectacular purpose to help the suffering.  You know the Lord works in mysterious ways.  If you believe and have faith, you will behold:

Madame Endorra

Psychic Reader, and healer

Born with powers granted to her by the universe to help humanity and ardent in purpose.  Tell your friends’ and enemies’ names without asking a single word.  Madame Endorra will tell you what you wish to know regarding health, marriage, love, divorce, lustfulness, specualtion and business transaction of all kinds.

Madame Endorra will inofrm you of any changes you should or should not make, good or evil. Madame Endorra removes bad luck and evil influences.  Madame Endorra will lift you out of the sorrow and darkness and start you down the path of success and happiness.  Giving you improtant advices on all affairs of life, whatever that might be.  No other reader and healer is superior to Madame Endorra.  A place to bring your friends and feel no embarrassment.

1/2 price with this card

open daily 8am – 10pm

3456 S Augur Way         phone 3-6693

NO APPOINTMENT NECESSARY—LOOK FOR ADDRESS

____________________

Madame Endorra….I found her card on a sidewalk in the middle of one of those strip-malls of commerce and jammed it into my pocket, thinking that maybe I would call her and make an appointment.  I had a lot of deep eternal questons to ask like: “Why am I here? What does it all mean? Have I turned pro? Should I stop allowing myself to be seduced by the neighbors wife?  Is this the end?

“NO, I was just kidding, just testing you a bit Madame Endorra, right? Yes, because I was really leading up to this extremely central question….No, I’m not shy; it’s just that I come from…what? Old? Well, I think you just put your finger on your crystall ball or whatever Madame Endorra, because the truth of the matter is I have been feeling extremely old the past few days, and…What? now wait a minute, god-dammit, I’m still trying to get to the main question, which is…What? no, I never curse Madame Endorra.  Huh? no that was a cry of anguish, a silent scream of the soul, because I feel real danger in this forsaken town, and….Yes, I am white, but…No Madame Endorra and we both know there is not a damn thing anyone of us can do about that right now….Well, No i have not, but let’s not get into that right now.  Just let me ask this question, and if you can give me a reasonable answer without any bullshit, I promise I won’t come down to your place….because what I want you tell me Madame Endorra, and I mean this, seriously – Why is it I have been in this town for 6 days and no one has offered me….Yes and Im damn serious about wanting some…That is exactly what I’m talking about…No, but your ad said you could lift me out of sorrow and darkness….ok, ok I’m listening….uh-huh, yeah, but let me tell you something Madame Endorra:  My name is Roger Goodell and I’m the Editor of Blender Magazine….Right, and I can have you busted right now for false advertising….Yeah, well I think I might want to pick up some of my people and come out to see you later on today; we will want some explanations for this blashpemer-anti-christ bullshit.  This country is in enough trouble, goddamnit, without people like you running around selling hand jobs for crack to people in serious trouble…..”

Madame Endorra hung up on me at that point.  Lord only knows what she thought was about to come down on her when dusk fell….Here was the Editor of Blender Magazine coming out to her house with a goon squad, and all of them stone mad for drugs and vengeance…terrible situation.

Similar to the need of entitled, alcohol/drug-fueled college-fanboys and their need to interact with athletes – like what happened recently at K-State under the guise of ‘another enchanted evening of historical proportions’.  It’s a constant reminder of Hurricanes and the destruction they lay – like waves crashing on the seawall – when the levee breaks…

Sure we were all kids once and the herd can be mesmerizingly powerful, but at what point does it become nothing more than mob injustice.  It was just last year in New Mexico when a riot broke out between players and fans – all because of a toddler-tantrum one player made by throwing a ball at the head of another guy at the end of the game.  Einstein may have said; insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results – or something like that – I usually fell asleep during his movies – the point being that we seem to be waiting for someone to die in the arena before we do anything about it – or just lebotomize young males to purge our society of ruinous disorder.  Remember Monica Seles, Remember Tom Gamboa and the Kansas City Royals, Remember the malice at the palace, Remember ‘Don’t Tase Me Bro’, Remember the Alamo?!

It’s no longer the innocence of youth as it relates to court storming.  It is no longer a defining moment of triumph.  K-State seems to regularly beat the Jayhawks at home, so what’s the rush.  It has become nothing more than an excuse – to impress the moment and let the herd-mind take over – at what point does it turn into warm spring days at the Coliseum – I’ll take the Lions -7.  It will happen and likely across the ocean during a soccer match – and oh how we will crow, critiquing those hooligans?  We all will giggle at their buffoonery and quote never here!  But the bloodlust grows in the garden of sorrow, like a vampire – it will happen.

It is a fine line between shared celebration and riot.  We watch SportsCenter to see the winning city devolve into pandemonium after a title has been earned, only to see the knuckle-draggers celebratory thirst, quenched by their weapon of choice – wanton destruction.  The entitlement of many fans, born from an inalienable right, guaranteed by the price of admission, to rain down insults, baptized by the home team.  Would any of us maintain restraint?  The same cautious restraint these athletes, let alone college athletes, preserve?  Some of what is said indoors would be an arrestable offense outside of the arena, so why would we punish an athlete for taking matters into their own hands when someone interacts with them on their court?

I stand up and say decriminalize! You storm the court you are free game and let the chaos envelop us all if we are unable to preserve our humanity.  But if the kids are to be kids and act like deranged meth-heads then we should treat the cancer at the source – punish the pusher.  Court storming will not end until the Universities take greater responsibility and stop placing alcohol-fueled-sexually-charged-entitled young males directly behind the opposing team, close to the floor, to generate a home-court advantage.  Manage the inmates and the asylum will be more pleasant when we come to visit.


maninironmask

‘The Man in the Iron Mask’ – the ‘Must-Haves‘, the ‘Sleepers‘ and those that might find themselves on the trainers table for your FanDuel NBA-delights each night.  We will post these DiRTy plays, everyday by 1p MST – so check back in the afternoon.  ‘Click’ the picture for the day DiRTy plays.

 

Clear as Mud

Adam Schefter has been working on an URGENT news story about Dez Bryant.  He says he has been working on it since September.  That he knows what is on the video, but has yet to see it.  Some rumors say that it will be released soon and is 5x’s worse than Ray Rice’s.  The only thing that could be “5x’s” worse in my mind is sexual-assault on a woman passed out – other than that is NFL re-runs.

I have several problems with the radio-statement that “Schefty” made.

  1. you’ve known since September and this is the first mention of it?
  2. you still havent seen it?
  3. you said, “what we are working on is not ready.”
  4. you know what’s on it – so what is it?!
  5. how is it not ready?
  6. who is we?
  7. how has the NFL not been involved, if you’ve been working on this since September
  8. September? No charges?
  9. If it is that bad that his football career is in jeopardy than how do you expect him to be back with Dallas?

The Cowboys have until March 10th to decide on the franchise tag – so expect to see the video shortly.  Hopefully, Adam Schefter isn’t trying to set us up like Geraldo and Al Capone’s vault.


 

Hi, My name is still Logan, and I am still a flagrant degenerate gambler — despite those jackass rumors out of Springfield. No. I have not converted to Jediism or any other power-sect. And I have never worshipped bulls. It is not in my nature — and I was not born to live in the dismal grip of Ala’tucky, under any circumstances.

Nor was I born to live in the rotten month of February, which is almost over, and good riddance. It is an evil month, with evil energy. Everything about it is Wrong.

Whoops! The storm is moving in. This might be our last chance to speak rashly for the public record — or at least the last time until sMarch…Math has been proven to show the existence of a higher entity – and while Charles Barkley scoffs at analytics – he just continues to show what an education from Auburn is worth, because I raise him a Shane Battier from Duke, #KobeStopper.  Shane, now an ESPN analyst (the disciple of analytics that the Chuckster is also) produced a video with BIG Think, that acts as an online forum.  His thoughts transcribed here:

“I was lucky to grow up in the golden age of analytics as it pertains to basketball and the emergence of big data in sports,” Battier said. “The way I look at it, it’s just another way – like honing your jump shot or honing your jump hook or getting faster or stronger – to gain a competitive advantage on the basketball court.”

He goes on to explain quite simply that guarding Bryant was based on forcing him to take left-handed shots, something that reduced the Los Angeles Lakers’ points-per-possession average.

“Every time that he went left and shot that pull-up jumper, he was generating .88 points per possession,” Battier said.

Nowadays is it really a surprise with how often players watch video? Teams employing tape-jockeys to break down other teams’ game footage?  Is that not what Spoelstra did before moving up the ranks to become head ball coach?  The point being Chuck, is that the war is over – metrics have won and we use them to win.


 

Craig and his Amazing-Technicolor-Dreamcoats are back tonight for the Thunder-Bulls game.  After missing March Madness and the NBA playoffs last year due to his battle with acute leukemia, the man of a thousand outfits returns for both, this year.  He won a temporary injunction on his illness, thanks to his son being a bone marrow transplant.  Good to see a man that has no fear when it comes to fashion, doing what he loves – a second chance to appreciate being a NBA sideline guy who has to talk to Popovich – but gets to celebrate the Madness we all have for March, welcome back sir.


Addiction is a bitch that anchors you ever-closer to Davy Jones’ Locker.  Word is that Josh Hamilton had to talk to MLB officials about a relapse a couple months back that involved “at least cocaine”.  There’s no word of a failed test but he still could face discipline on top of his expected one to two month absence of the season because of surgery to his right shoulder last year.  Josh Hamilton is 33 years old and is showing the normal decline of an aging superstar.  Numbers and performance aside, here’s hoping he finds balance with his life – but too often the devil whispers.


maninironmask

‘The Man in the Iron Mask’ – the ‘Must-Haves‘, the ‘Sleepers‘ and those that might find themselves on the trainers table for your FanDuel NBA-delights each night.  We will post these DiRTy plays, everyday by 1p MST – so check back in the afternoon.  ‘Click’ the picture for the days plays.


 

This day in History…

We were warned…

From the history channel:

A bomb explodes in the parking garage beneath the World Trade Center in New York City on this day in 1993. Six people died and 1,000 were injured by the powerful blast, which also caused the evacuation of thousands of people from the Twin Towers.

An informant later identified a group of Serbians in New York as the culprits. However, when the FBI conducted surveillance of the gang they found not terrorists but jewel thieves, putting an end to a major diamond-laundering operation.

Fortunately, investigators at the bomb scene found a section of a van frame that had been at the center of the blast. The van’s vehicle identification number was still visible, leading detectives to the Ryder Rental Agency in Jersey City, New Jersey. Their records indicated that Mohammed Salameh had rented the van and reported it stolen on February 25.

Salameh was already in the FBI’s database as a potential terrorist, so agents knew that they had probably found their man. Salameh compounded his mistake by insisting that Ryder return his $400 deposit. When he returned to collect it, the FBI arrested him. A search of his home and records led to two other suspects.

Meanwhile, the owner of a storage facility in Jersey City came forward to say that he had seen four men loading a Ryder van on February 25. When this storage space was checked, they found enough chemicals, including very unstable nitroglycerin, to make another massive bomb. Investigators also found videotapes with instructions on bomb making that led to the arrest of a fourth suspect.

Other evidence showed that one of the terrorists had bought hydrogen tanks from AGL Welding Supply in New Jersey. In the wreckage under the World Trade Center, three tanks marked “AGL Welding” were found. In addition, the terrorists had sent a letter to theNew York Times claiming responsibility for the blast. Portions of this letter were found on a computer desk taken from a suspect’s office. Finally, DNA analysis of saliva on the envelope matched that of the suspect.

The wealth of evidence resulted in easy convictions, and each of the men was sentenced to 240 years in prison.

On September 11, 2001, the World Trade Center was again attacked, when terrorists linked to Osama bin Ladin and al-Qaida hijacked and flew one jetliner into each tower. Within hours, both towers had collapsed, killing almost 3,000 people. A third jet was crashed into the Pentagon, killing almost two hundred people, including those on board the plane. A fourth hijacked jet, apparently bound for a second target in Washington, D.C., crashed into a field in Pennsylvania after passengers–aware of the attacks in New York and at the Pentagon–attempted to wrest control of the plane from the hijackers. All aboard were killed.


 

 

 

Abstract DiRT

Strike 1

The rich girls from TO must be home from college. Tubby, unfortunately manish, and super stuck up are all at Hemingways tonight — Gregg Zaun (@greggzaun) December 19, 2012

Dear DiRT Canon…

I know this is going to sound like a crazy fantasy, but every word of this story is true!

I was in Baltimore in ’95 fulfilling my duties as lowly rookie for a high profile Athletic Company.  Despite my meager status, I was allowed to attend lavish parties and sporting events.  In between such events, I got to know several of my coworkers.  Being nervous and notoriously shy around such talented individuals, I was unsure of how to approach or act.  But they were too full of life, for me not to want to be nearer to them.  They were tall, athletic, knew how to move around and were graceful with the leather and the lumber – if you know what I mean.

Summoning up all my courage, I approached them from the other-side of the locker room.  I awkwardly introduced myself to them and asked them what their names were.  I already knew one of them from several industry magazines, interviews and currently being on an amazing streak.  I felt they were impressed with my straightforwardness, they smiled and said their names – Brady, Ben and Cal.  Embarrassingly, they said they already knew who I was – I say embarrassed because usually I’m very humble and not boastful.

We began to make small talk.  They asked me questions about life, interests, hobbies, etc..I could tell they liked me, they were charming and then they became suggestive.  They must have been able to read my body language because they offered me to join them in the training room.

Going to the Training room with these veterans at that moment, I was in heaven.  They set the mood, by clearing out the room, turning on the remaining lights and beginning to playfully percuss my ribs.  The time was now and I could tell today I was going to become a changed man.  The time for ritualization was upon us and it was mind-blowing.

They strapped me down to the training table, spread eagle and continued with their corporeal torture.  Never before had I been alone with 3 men who knew exactly what they were doing – never before have I met anyone that was more capable or complimentary in the impure – with love, they inscribed rookie on my forehead.  They knew exactly what to do and exactly when – and nearing the happiest of endings, they dumped a bucket of ice down my pants.

When it was over, I was exhausted.  I’m still not sure how long I was strapped to that table – hours perhaps.  But I know I was educated that day.  Educated on what it takes to be a man and too make it in this world.  If only every “rookie” could go thru what I went thru – this business would be better for it.

That’s my playful rendition from notable twit Gregg Zaun explaining how hazing is good for sports and the reason why ex-Blue Jays 3rd baseman, Brett Lawrie is no longer with the team.  In true Penthouse forum fashion he says he was taken out of context by a blogger who only listened to his interview and therefore could not grasp the enthusiasm – Listen to it and judge for yourself here.

Cal Ripken has come out and stated none of this is true, as has Brady Anderson – so do we chalk it up to a guy who was in the Mitchell Report for steroid abuse, downing a few cocktails and delving into fetish fantasia?  Zaun’s-street-cred is that of a 16yr backup catcher, who played for 23 MLB teams, that no one really likes – compared to the street-cred of the Iron Man-Hall of Fame SS-Cal Ripken Jr…There’s usually something about a$$Clowns like Canseco and Zaun – sometimes the sun does shine on a dog’s A$$…


 

Strike 2

Awwww Marketing, the sweeter science.  This is the Mets knew slogan for 2015 and they already have shirts printed!  No idea, what “the damn thing” is, or where it’s going to be taken.  Is it the NL East, more walks, the second wild-card?  – Maybe it’s in honor of the Wilpon’s business dealings with Bernie Madoff – I heard it was his desk-plate.

Rumor has it – it comes from video of this game more than 20yrs ago that the Mets were leading 10-0 (they won 10-9)…The Amazin’s could not find anything else to rally around? It’s like everyone has to have a slogan, mascot, or logo, CRIPES.

 


 

Strike 3

After Derrick Rose’s 2nd right knee injury – 3rd overall – It is the same knee that cost him 10 games into last season.  Either he’s gonna need new legs or get a better doctor.  Whenever it is that he feels he is ready to come back – he has to change his game.  Right?! Become less of a hop-step-slasher to the rim? Maybe the Bulls need a different philosophy if they continue to expect him to slash with two-bad-wheels.  Seems like this career is gonna end up in the woulda-shoulda pile of basketball history.  Here’s hopin’ for a phoenix metaphor the rest of his career – we seem to have hardly knew ya.


maninironmask

‘The Man in the Iron Mask’ – the ‘Must-Haves‘, the ‘Sleepers‘ and those that might find themselves on the trainers table for your FanDuel NBA-delights each night.  We will post these for you everyday by 1p MST – so check back in the afternoon.  ‘Click’ the picture for the days plays.

***Click the picture for Today’s DiRTy Plays – in the next couple of weeks, look for our lineup optimizer – remember to use our referral name***


 

51 yrs ago today…

On February 25, 1964, 22-year-old Cassius Clay shocks the odds-makers by dethroning world heavyweight boxing champ Sonny Liston in a seventh-round technical knockout. The dreaded Liston, who had twice demolished former champ Floyd Patterson in one round, was an 8-to-1 favorite. However, Clay predicted victory, boasting that he would “float like a butterfly, sting like a bee” and knock out Liston in the eighth round. The fleet-footed and loquacious youngster needed less time to make good on his claim–Liston, complaining of an injured shoulder, failed to answer the seventh-round bell. A few moments later, a new heavyweight champion was proclaimed.

 

 

 

Monday Dregs

 

nba

Going into the weekend, we had the NBA trade deadline that usually ends up being a shell game of bad contracts and stiffs.  No one would blame you if you looked away to make some late-afternoon nachos and and come back to Sportscenter to yell “what the hell just happened?” Indeed.  What did happen? It seems that Dragic was the fuse to the whole powder keg and the rest of the league got covered in guts.  From there it was a mad dash to the grocery store in a blizzard for some teams, forgoing the essentials and heading straight for the items that make you glad you have sweatpants.

If you needed anymore proof of how valuable Lebron James is, look no further than the Heat trade.  Without Lebron, Miami has been struggling and needed to do something to make the bottom rung of the eastern conference playoff tree – Getting Dragic makes the Heat a better team but barely more than the 7th seed in the East, and he leaves to be a free-agent at the end of they year.  Meanwhile, the Cavs are playing the best ‘ball’ in the NBA right now and they’re currently 2 games out from the 2nd seed.  When last season they could only manage 33 total wins and missed the ‘offs.

So below, ‘The Man in the Iron Mask’ breaks down what the orgiastic trading all meant:

Miami Heat

  • Goran and Zoran Dragic to the Heat
  • Danny Granger, Justin Hamilton and 2 1st round picks to the Suns
  • Shawne Williams to the Pelicans

Improves the team to keep the hope alive to make the playoffs, however without Bosh it became more difficult – This team is looking like the 76ers next year.

OKC

  • Enes Kanter, Steve Novak (Jazz) and Kyle Singler, D.J. Augustin (Pistons)
  • Reggie Jackson to Pistons
  • Kendrick Perkins, 1st round pick (Thunder), 2nd round pick (Pistons) to Jazz

So no one liked Reggie Jackson and he seems really excited to be away from Durant/Westbrook/Brooks etc, and Thunder fans can rejoice to no longer suffering thru Perkins’ issues at the end of close games.  Perkins is likely to be released by Utah and I bet he signs with Cleveland to add more beef.  For OKC, meh.

Suns/Sixers/Bucks/Celtics

  • Brandon Knight (Bucks) and Marcus Thornton (Celtics<LSU>) to the Suns
  • Michael Carter-Williams (Sixers), Miles Plumlee, and Tyler Ennis (Suns) to the Bucks
  • Lakers’ top 5 protected 1st round pick to the Sixers
  • Isaiah Thomas to the Celtics
  • Isaiah Canaan, 2nd round draft pick to the Sixers

The Suns go from Thomas, Dragic and Bledsoe, to; Bledsoe, Knight and Salmons – not sure I understand it and too make things worse, they gave up their Lakers’ top 5 pick…Isaiah Thomas signed a long term contract to play with Phoenix and now has to wake up and play in Boston, just to be told where he can ‘pahk his cah’.

There is more stuff that happened, but does anyone really care at this point about where Norris Cole went and why?  Currently, the Sixers seem inclined to build a team with 5 centers, 0 point guards and a dumptruck of draft picks, (each season, like another Transformers movie).  As for the Nuggets, it seems their plan is to build a roster of clones of the same guy – all to dump salary, and get trade exceptions that they will never use.  Why did they keep Ty Lawson anyway?  Ty doesn’t seem to fit their new basketball blueprint.  Let’s also not forget KG the Angry Ent, gets to go back to Minnesota for a guy the T’Wolves traded players and a 1st round pick to get last year, Thaddeus Young.


 

Speaking of Minnesota…word is they have an angry professional athlete that feels disrespected by the fans in the Great White North and wants to be traded.  This is the same guy who lost another son to child abuse and the same guy who whooped a child of his so bad that he had lacerations on his testicles.  He wants you to acknowledge his greatness – acknowledge, he says, what he has done for the local NFL team.  How dare he be treated in this manner, and he deserves to be allowed to go play for Dallas.  A team that he had already tampered with before the season – before he beat his son – after he was indicted for child abuse – after he was allowed to make millions of dollars anyway – and now his adolescent feelings are hurt because he has not been blessed with the proper amount of love and respect – Maybe he should try that shoe on for his son, see how it fits.


 

Speaking of Dallas…Rumors swirl about a video that portrays Dez Bryant doing something bad.  No one knows what it is, nor has anyone seen it.  The Cowboys could have set this matchbook on fire themselves because they are tired of babysitting him – but then why offer him an extension if it so bad?  I’m sure that the NFL has already and promptly reviewed the video as they would never repeat the same mistakes again and again and again and again (we get it).  As for Bryant, it could be someone he pulled away from the money-teat that is now blackmailing him.  From Dez’s explanation you cannot tell if there is a video – not a video – ashamed of it – not ashamed of it – ordering a pizza  – it’s incoherent and being that it is 2015, the video will surface and it will be another blessing for Hizzoner.

pic.twitter.com/QDQJuzKAR7

— Dez Bryant (@DezBryant) February 20, 2015

listen to Mike Florio yammer about it here:


When the Karmic wheel of justice spins on your previous life of envious whining and gutter-slutting – you become reborn a Red Sox fan.  Still not content.  Still constantly worried about what the Jones’ are doing.  Still whining.  You wanted Kung Fu Panda, you need Kung Fu Panda and all you can do is throw your hands up in disgust at his weight – the same weight he has won more rings than you this millennium.  His nickname is appropriate because of his nimble-cat-like-kung-fu-ability at the hot corner and is a better hitter than your one-time, wound up, over-rated-walk-artist Youkilis – #MoreTalent.  You love Ortiz and he has rarely been able to play the only position at 1st – ever – BECAUSE of his weight (or PED’s).  You loved Manny who was fat and LAZY (and used PED’s – theme?).

Pablo Sandoval can hit any pitch – likes to hit any pitch – can hit the high fastball – is a switch hitter – and more importantly, won’t bitch about the shift like Ortiz, because he can hit to the opposite field.  So relax you insufferable, miserable “expletives”; the faux-season has yet to start before the real season does. Panda is a man that plays the pinnacle of his profession at a switch hitting 270lbs – who would begrudge a brute an indulgence or two?  The War is over, you have defeated your enemy and in turn become what you most reviled – the Yankees.  Need proof?  Word is you just signed Yoan Moncada and gave the 19yr old, 2nd baseman a $31.5m bonus.  Pedroia plays 2nd!


Kersey – 11,825 pts – 6,339 reb – 1,439 steals – played from ’84 to ’01

Say what you will about Chris Bosh – you might say you remembered him as an All-Star before Lebron.  You might say he was the third-wheel and forgotten man on the Heat after ‘the decision’.  But now what do you say when a 30yr old basketball player, who now has blood clots in his lungs and will not play the rest of the season?  Remember Jerome Kersey? He died this week at 52, during routine knee surgery – a blood clot traveled from his calf to his lungs and stopped his breathing.  Bosh is the second player to miss the rest of the season after Nets F Mirza Teletovic also was found to have blood clots in his lungs.  Both are expected to recover, but…

The probability of 2 players out of 450 having the same health issues either signals a trend or a lingering coincidence.  Do road-trips to Dallas and then Portland on successive nights contribute to the cause or do we chalk it up to February’s cruelty?  Beyond sports as a metaphor for life – when the world appears in chaos and nature herself feels assaulted, the rhythm of the seasons keep us in tune.  Autumn gives us the premonition of Winter’s icy grip, forced to relent the coming of longer days, with the renewal of a perpetual Spring.


So, ‘The Man in the Iron Mask’ – is going to give us the ‘Must-Haves‘, the ‘Sleepers‘ and those that might find themselves on the trainers table for your FanDuel NBA delights each night.  We will post these for you everyday by 1p MST – so check back in the afternoon.  On Friday’s DiRT, his insight tripled our investment.  Here are today’s plays:

Must Haves:

 

  1. (PG) Chris Paul – No Blake and with #HackADeAndre means CP3 has to step up and win games for this team.  He averages 40 points per game on Fan Duel and is playing a Memphis team who is giving up 41.8 to the PG position over the last 5 games.  Look for a 40 spot or more from him tonight.
  2. (SG) DeMar DeRozan – He averages 29.2 Fan Duel points per game and their opponent tonight, New Orleans is without Anthony Davis and is #3 in giving up 39.7 Fan Duel points per game to the SG position.
  3. (SF) James Johnson – Since being inserted into the starting lineup for the Raptors he is averaging 15 points, 4 rebounds, 1.5 steals and 1.8 blocks.  He had a breakout game over the weekend finishing with 47 Fan Duel points in their last contest and he is a bargain at $4,500.  Normally a sleeper, tonight he is a must have playing against the Davis-less Pelicans.
  4. (PF) Zach Randolph – Mr. Consistency for the Grizz and playing against the Clips without Blake and giving up 45.9 Fan Duel points per game over their last 5.  Look for Zebo to have a solid 20 and 10 performance late tonight, giving you the comeback win.
  5. (C) Rudy Gobert – Let’s be honest, unless you are willing to play DeAndre Jordan there aren’t many options for tonight.  Gobert is cheap, coming in at $5,700 and now has the starting lineup to himself with Kanter being traded to OKC.  DiRT Canon Analyzer shows Gobert with 19 points, 14 rebounds and 3 blocks tonight for a 41.8 Fan Duel night.
Sleepers
  1. (PG) Deron Williams – Face it until Jack is back for the Nets and as long as they keep playing the bottom feeders of the league, he will be a consistent 30 spot on your Fan Duel lineup.  He might even go for 50 like he did last Friday, #CalledIt.  The Nuggets are pathetic and giving up the 2nd most Fan Duel points to the PG position, look for a solid night value at $5,700.
  2. (SG) Kevin Martin – He is creeping up into the must have list on a nightly basis and really for today if you don’t play DeRozan and Martin together it’s because you have Harden.
  3. (SF) Jeff Green – Playing against the Clippers, who are giving up a league leading 43.5 Fan Duel points per game to the SF position over the last 5.  He is a solid 25 spot nightly with a great match-up tonight.  Spend the $4,900 on him, so you can get some other marque players.
  4. (PF) Josh Smith – He is averaging 28.4 Fan Duel Points per game since coming over to Houston.  Howard is still out and the T-Wolves are giving up the 4th most Fan Duel points to the PF position.  A slightly higher spend of $6,300 for the sleeper category, but a solid selection.
  5. (C) – It’s a crap shoot out there tonight, Brook Lopez might show up against the terrible Nuggets; however, it might be Mason Plumlee, or the recently added Thaddeus Young who now holds down the paint for the Nets.  Jordan or Gobert will be the solids tonight so spend wisely.
Notable Injuries or Training Table guys
  1. Anthony Davis will be sidelined for 1 – 2 weeks, look for the “big’s” going against New Orleans to have big nights over the next couple of weeks.
  2. Kevin Durant, another foot surgery, who knows when he will be back.  Play Westbrook every night until he gets back and compliment him with Serge and Kanter and your Fan Duel lineup begins at 110pts.
  3. Michael Carter Williams is still out with a toe injury so look for Bayless to continue is strong play.

“Among the men who fought on Iwo Jima, uncommon valor was a common virtue.”
– Fleet Admiral Chester W. Nimitz, US Navy

70yrs ago today this iconic symbol was taken as an affront to tyranny and oppression – May we always remember our heritage of a nation that responds when called.

  • You cannot invade the mainland United States. There would be a rifle behind each blade of grass.
Admiral Isoroku Yamamoto
  • I fear all we have done is awaken a sleeping giant and fill him with a terrible resolve.
Admiral Isoroku Yamamoto, upon learning of the success of the attack on Pearl Harbor

 

3rd Stone from the Sun

You just got lesson number 1, Don’t think….

Photo(11)

It breaks your heart. It is designed to break your heart. The game begins in the spring, when everything else begins again, and it blossoms in the summer, filling the afternoons and evenings, and then as soon as the chill rains come, it stops and leaves you to face the fall alone. You count on it, rely on it to buffer the passage of time, to keep the memory of sunshine and high skies alive, and then just when the days are all twilight, when you need it most, it stops.

A. Bartlett Giamatti

The cruelty of February has been on display.  In one week we lost a ‘Dean’, and a ‘Shark’, sprinkled in between some other strange things afoot.  Word is Boston has put out an A.P.B. on a precocious princess who doesn’t understand “when”.  The sports-media continuously acts like a co-dependent spouse in an abusive relationship – still trying to make up for getting picked last, only to wait for another sip of jock-strap tea.

Do we really need hand-writing analysis of A-(f)Rod’s apologetic letter, is there an outcry for more articles of how he spends his day and the troubles of being A-(f)Rod?  I’m pretty sure we get who he is and every athlete like him – like in any relationship, we want trust.

If given the chance to increase your earning potential tenfold, are you sure you would avoid a magic-pill that promised you wealth and fame – with the only downside being what people think of you on twitter/FirstTake as you do whatever, whenever, however you want?

Not one of the millions of wrestling fans complain about HGH/PED’s/Steroids et al – No one cries out in disgust when an actor does it playing an action hero. Remember when you saw Rocky IV, and after seeing Rocky run in the billowy snow, lifting wagons full of boulders and people, chopping wood etc – remember how big you thought Rocky was, how ripped – there is no way he looks like that cross-country-skiing – and whats worse is he was twice that size in the last Expendables movie – and Stallone is 69 – So why is A-(f)Rod always singled out as a bad guy for whatever it was he did, (#TheTruthIsOutThere).  Besides we were told by Nike: “Chicks dig the long ball“, so what were we gonna expect?

It’s because it’s baseball.  Baseball is what we are, Football is what we have become.  Baseball is a church.  It’s playing catch with your Dad, warm sunny days and hot dogs, cold beer, green grass, brown dirt and a snow white baseball with as many stitches as beads in a rosary (108) – and every Spring, every team has a chance – including the Rockies (at least until July when they fold like carnies after the Fair).

It’s the history and the records – we know what “56” means – we know the two people who have over 4,000 hits – we know the top 3 career HR hitters – even if we feel cheated that they cheated – is it not what we would do already every day, in some way?  In the Future, we will have someone who has an artificial eye, then what – create ‘special’ leagues for those who replaced a lost body-part with a robotic component and scream they have an advantage?  The guy lost an eye for cryin-out-loud!

I don’t know, I love the game and I am a realist, or maybe I’m still in recovery and still disappointed I did not have a magic-pill to get me that elusive 8th gold medal of debauchery – not even sure I qualified, the rules keeps changing – but soon there will be baseball, and birds will sing, and we’ll worry less, we’ll dress a little more comfortable and everything will be in harmony – until July, when we all start thinking about football again because the Rockies are choking like a fat-kid chipmunking saltines and peanut butter .  Anywhoooo…..

It’s a golden era for California baseball and you’d have to go back to New York in the ’50’s to find a time and place comparable to what’s going on in the land of waves, sand and palm trees.  In the 46yrs of baseball in SoCal, the last time the Angels, Dodgers, and Padres all finished above .500 was 2007.  So with the additions the Padres made this off-season you’d expect them to improve their win total from 77 wins last year.  Does James Shields give them 8 more wins? Is 85 wins the magic number for a wild card berth?  The Padres have only won 90 games 4x’s in their history – the same amount of times they have made the playoffs – 3 of those in the wild card era, (last one 2006).

So what that means is, the National League West is a lot more difficult for the teams that play in the Mountain Time Zone.  You expect the Dodgers and the Giants to compete for the division, but you could also expect the Padres to contend for one of the wild cards.  And here is where we get a little nuts – The Dodgers have NEVER made the playoffs 3yrs in a row and have failed to win 90+ games 3yrs in a row since ’76-’77-’78, and the only time the Padres AND the Dodgers won 90+ games was in 1996.  Granted there is another Wild Card now, so…..

That places the Rockies in a weird spot, so stay with me…Crazy is a term of Art and insanity is a term of Law – The Marquis De Sade did a lot of crazy stuff, but wasn’t insane until he was jailed – remembering that will save you a lot of headaches – and saying the Rockies have a chance is just crazy.

If we assume on “paper” that the Dodgers and the Nationals are the two best teams in the National League and could be the two best teams in all of baseball – we will assign them each with 91 wins – based on lots of different formulas.  Aside from those two teams no one else really stands out – based on those same formulas run, we’ll list the Cardinals, Cubs, Giants, and Pirates with 83-86 wins.  Leaving the Padres, Marlins, Mets, Reds and Rockies around 76-81 wins.

So from there we make the leap that two playoff spots will be occupied by the Dodgers and the Nat’s, leaving 9 teams vying for 3 spots.  Now, it’s a bigger leap of faith to think the Rockies can go from 66 wins to 86, but the ’13 Orioles were a 78 win team before they won 96 and the AL East in 2014.

All of this gets flushed down the hypothetical toilet, if the Rox cannot stay off the training table.  There is no way we use 15 different starting pitchers again is there? Tulo+CarGo have to be all done with shortened seasons, right? Maybe Latroy Hawkins goes out in style – maybe Rex Brothers remembers how to pitch – maybe Jordan Lyles was for real until a freak injury – maybe DJ Lemahieu unloads a LSU-days stat-line to go with his gold glove D…

The point is they have a lot of guys that are decent ballplayers and all it takes is a few things to go there way.  The Rockies were better than their 66 wins last year, and if all pistons were firing, they might have been more like a 77 win team – this year, with a few breaks they could get to 86 (only 9 more wins above expectations).

Know what the difference between hitting .250 and .300 is? It’s 25 hits. 25 hits in 500 at bats is 50 points, okay? There’s 6 months in a season, that’s about 25 weeks. That means if you get just one extra flare a week – just one – a gorp… you get a groundball, you get a groundball with eyes… you get a dying quail, just one more dying quail a week… and you’re in Yankee Stadium.
— Crash Davis

The Dodgers and the Padres have history going against them and the Padres defense is not very good.  So why not us?! The Rockies have the best infield in baseball, when healthy, and the last time we saw a great defense, average starters, strong bullpen and a healthy Tulo was ’07/’09.

So the Rockies could be due, it’s possible – it worked for the Royals – or maybe I’ve caught a bad case of Spring Fever again.  I am NOT insane, Opening Day is 49 days from now!!! (first pitch in 40 days).

“This is a very simple game. You throw the ball, you catch the ball, you hit the ball. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, sometimes it rains.” Think about that for a while.
— Nuke Laloosh


***Update – Tonight’s NBA Fanduel Ideas – by ‘The Man in the Iron Mask***

Here is the breakdown:

 Must Haves:

  1. (PG) John Wall – Playing against Cleveland tonight who has given up 44.3 points per game in Fan Duel scoring over their last 5 contests.  Combine that with an All-Star hangover for the Cavs and John Wall is averaging 42 Fan Duel Points per game for the season, look for yet another consistent performance.  Our prediction analyzer shows Wall will score 22 points to go with 12 assists tonight.
  2. (SG) Kevin Martin – Playing against Phoenix who has given up 40.3 points per game in Fan Duel scoring over the past 5 contests combined with their latest effort to tank the back half of the season this should play out for a huge outing for Martin.  Add to it, Rubio is back in the mix and Young was traded at the deadline; someone has to score – so look for Martin to get you at least 35 Fan Duel Points tonight.  Prediction analyzer shows Martin scoring 29 with a couple of assists and one steal.
  3. (SF) Kris Middleton – Milwaukee plays one of the worst teams in the league over the past 15 games in the Denver Nuggets.  Add to it, the Nuggets really don’t want to win and are giving up an average of 37.4 points per game in Fan Duel Scoring – Middleton is a lock.  Our prediction analyzer shows Middleton scoring 21 points, 8 rebounds and 4 assists.  If he can throw in a steal and a block you might squeak out a 40 point performance for the $6,600 you will spend on your lineup, which happens to be the team average spend.
  4. (PF) Paul Millsap – Let’s just say, Toronto is giving up 45.2 points per game in Fan Duel Scoring and Millsap averages 33.9 for the season.  This is a marquee matchup so look for Atlanta to prove it is a power house and Millsap will lead the charge tonight.  Prediction analyzer shows Millsap scoring 24 points, 13 rebounds and 3 assists.  You should get a 40 spot for this spot on your lineup.
  5. (C) DeMarcus Cousins – He is second in Fan Duel scoring for the season at 45.5 so does it really matter who he plays against? He is a lock, every single night – if you can make his overwhelming $11,000 fan duel salary work then you know you are going to get a 50 spot.

 Sleepers

  1. (PG) Deron Williams – Really???!!!  Yes really, he is playing the Lakers tonight who are giving up 43.6 over their last 5 contests and 44.4 for the season in Fan Duel scoring.  You combine that with the fact that Jack is hurt – look for a descent game for the price of $5,300 and you should squeeze out 34 Fan Duel Points tonight.  Prediction Analyzer says 15 points, 11 assists and 3 rebounds in 30 minutes of play tonight.
  2. (SG) Wayne Ellington – Yes, I know a Laker on your lineup does not sound promising, but look at the bright side – Ellington has averaged 15 points per game over his last 5 and Brooklyn is giving up 40.0 Fan Duel points per game.  Ellington is a cost of $5,100 so the cost benefit to get his 25 Fan Duel points for the night is basically a guarantee.  Prediction analyzer says Ellington will score 18 points, 4 assists and 2 rebounds tonight in 26 minutes of action.
  3. (SF) DeMarre Carroll – $5,400 salary for one of those players on the Hawks that most people have no idea who he is.  That said, he is averaging over 20 points per game in Fan Duel scoring and Toronto is giving up 38.0 points per game over their last 5 contests.  Prediction analyzer shows Carroll scoring 15 points, 3 assists and 4 rebounds.  Should be a lock for at least 25 points on your Fan Duel Lineup.
  4. (PF) Nene Hilario – Coming in with a Fan Duel salary of $5,300 here is yet another below average cost player with an optimal lineup.  Toronto is giving up 45.2 points per game in Fan Duel scoring over their last 5 games and Nene simply gets rebounds and scores points.  Prediction analyzer shows Nene with 18 points and 13 rebounds.  He should boast at least a 30 spot on your Fan Duel lineup tonight.
  5. (C) Tyson Chandler – Coming off a decent performance last night, Chandler posted yet another double double.  He should cross that barrier again tonight with our prediction analyzer showing him at 14 points and 16 rebounds.  His cost of $6,500 on Fan Duel should prove to be worth the 35 Fan Duel points he will post tonight playing against the Howard-less Rockets. 

Likely Training Table Casualties

  1. (PF) Anthony Davis – Game Time Decision and what can you say, if he plays, you should have him on at least one lineup.  He will get you at least 45 points in Fan Duel and is worth the $11,000 salary.
  2. (PG) Jared Bayless – Game Time Decision with a hamstring issue.  Keep in mind the Bucks just traded for Michael Carter Williams but he is also hurt and unknown if he will play, keep an eye out for this one.  Bayless is only $4,100 in terms of his Fan Duel salary for tonight and the Bucks are playing the Nuggets who are giving up a league lead 44.7 points per game in Fan Duel scoring to the point guard position.
  3. (SG) Dwayne Wade – Bosh is out, Wade hasn’t played in how many games? Look for him to have a big night in preparation for Dragic to join the team tomorrow.
  4. (SF) Tobias Harris – Listed as questionable, Harris was tearing it up before his knee issue came back again.  Prior to the break he was averaging 39 Fan Duel points per game and has an optimal opponent in New Orleans tonight giving up the 3rd most Fan Duel points per game to the small forward position.  Keep an eye on this one as he would be a must have in our list if the injury bug wasn’t hanging out there.
  5. (C) – Nothing to note here other than the fact that there are really only about 6 players that you want to choose from on this list each and every day.  Take Cousins or Chandler tonight and you should be in good shape.

Abstract DiRT

Amarillo by mornin’…

Driving, on my way back to the ‘Bunker’ and I drive by this at the Cadillac Ranch.  Ive got a few hours left to get home and as I eat my truck-stop breakfast; I have no idea where the “so-called” Helium fields are…I’m still stunned that there are actually Helium fields and that Amarillo (yellow in spanish) was the Helium Capital of the world and now is the only nuclear assembly/disassembly facility in the country.  So it got me thinkin about end of the world type stuff in my post-fog-of-shame about what would have happened if the ‘Monstars’ won, and why did I forget Jordan’s birthday.

Say what you want about any basketball player on Mount Rushmore – remove the titles, MVP’s, highlights and no one BUT Michael Jeffrey Jordan could have saved Earth from alien-carnies.  The purity of it all is seen, if you watch Space Jam backwards. It’s a fictional story about how Michael Jordan gave up being the best basketball player in the universe to be incredibly awful at baseball. Oh wait…

In honor of his Air-ness turning 51 on Tuesday:

Yesterday was also the day in 1885 that The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn was published.  Side note, Dr. Dre turned 50 yesterday as well.

Speaking of birthdays, tomorrow Kurt Cobain would have been 48…

click to watch

click to watch

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

…and on Sunday it will the 35 anniversary of this…

 

click to watch

Well, I got to get back on the road – not eager to find out what the working-girl-morning-shift looks like around here, if you wrangle my drift…I did hear from the caretaker about the guy locked in my…ehhh I mean working in the basement under his own free will about basketball – word is he’s almost done and should have something for us in a few weeks – which is good because he could use a shower and some sunlight.

 

Day After Sediment

Tis the season…

what the day after feels like to the uninitiated

Still truckin’ and without sleep, I shall descend into the depths of slumber and await the visions of hours past cascading my cortex with rivulets of joy.  Then I’ll drive back home.  Consult with my attorney, because we may have a whole new set of issues to deal with…But on with the DiRT in your morning coffee…

Ball 1

The Yankees are sell outs…

Word is, the Yankees are retiring more numbers and placing more plaques in Monument Park.  Now the Yankees have a storied history and clearly have some that are deserving; but Pettite, Posada, Bernie Williams and Willie Randolph?  These are all-timers? Remember when retiring your number meant you died AND were great – or just all-time-generationally great?!  The Yankees might run out of numbers – because after they retire Jeter’s – and they will – no player can wear a single digit – the lowest number goes to 11.

I guess if your gonna sit thru this upcoming season, suffer thru the saga of A-(f)Rod; a few marketing ploys will take your mind off the C.H.U.D.S. on the field.


 

Ball 2

Kobe comes out in GQ…

that Finals patch is so looooong ago

Kobe says he has no more fuQs-2-give, and looking more and more like an A-hole.  Has he thought about which Montana cabin he’s gonna evacuate to when he retires?  Watching his post-basketball-career could be as much fun as A-(f)Rod’s.  You really have to feel bad for his wife, because if he says he doesn’t have any “real” friends, she’s gonna be spending a lot of time supervising Kobe’s roundtable, (#TeddyBearTeaParty).  Here are some excerpts about friendship – best of luck out there Mamba:

So how much are you willing to give up? Have you given up the possibility of having friends? Do you have any friends?

I have “like minds.” You know, I’ve been fortunate to play in Los Angeles, where there are a lot of people like me. Actors. Musicians. Businessmen. Obsessives. People who feel like God put them on earth to do whatever it is that they do. Now, do we have time to build great relationships? Do we have time to build great friendships? No. Do we have time to socialize and to hangout aimlessly? No. Do we want to do that? No.We want to work. I enjoy working.

So is this a choice? Are you actively choosing not to have friends?

Well, yes and no. I have friends. But being a “great friend” is something I will never be. I can be a good friend. But not a great friend. A great friend will call you every day and remember your birthday. I’ll get so wrapped up in my shit, I’ll never remember that stuff. And the people who are my friends understand this, and they’re usually the same way. You gravitate toward people who are like you. But the kind of relationships you see in movies—that’s impossible for me. I have good relationships with players around the league. LeBron and I will text every now and then. KG and I will text every now and then. But in terms of having one of those great, bonding friendships—that’s something I will probably never have. And it’s not some smug thing. It’s a weakness. It’s a weakness.


Ball 3

Melo has one less person to pass to and compete for shots…

Betrayed by bad knees and never withered from the pressure in New York, was let go and is expected to sign with Dallas soon and get a shot a ring.  Good for him.  New York knew what they were getting when they signed Stoudemire as a free-agent and when healthy, got solid play from Amar’e.  He’s better off getting out of that sinkhole, but does he have to be so cheezy?  Exhibit A:

Poem by: Amar’e Stoudemire

NY NY what a beautiful city

A place where you can hang out with Anna, JayZ & Diddy

Its a place absent of excuses and patience

If your smart, you can meet leaders of every nation

NY NY big city of dreams

Everything in NY isnt always what it seems

In the land where the jungle is concrete

The money flows Dow Jones and Wall Street

Home of #STATcity and the #KnickstapeOrginator,

Shalom to all my fans, Salute to all my haters.

Peace and Love

Amar’e Carsares Stoudemire Sr.

…word is he might have strained a tricep patting himself on the back…Is Dallas a front-runner now?


Strike 1

When I get back I’ll check the situation of the guy working on our NBA fantasy info.  When I left him, he had plenty of food and water and said he was close to solving it…


Ball 4 – take your base

Why?

Opening act before Skiing’s newest hip-hop star Super-G?

Marketing – not sure how, when or why somebody felt this was needed – but this is ‘Murka and who doesn’t want to see beautiful women representing their country.  Ok, but who are these women really that say they want to dance outside in snow-boots?  Could they not wear their Uggs at the strip club, make more money and remain warm?

They have names like, Dee, Ashlee, Phearri, Rockshanna, Pi, Ashley and Brassel – They have bios and life motto’s like: “Work Hard, Play Hard: it’s like YOLO but with a brain and accountability” – r u sure?  They have special talents like being able to touch their nose with their tongue and applying lipstick with their boobs – just like Molly Ringwald!  Sure they could run Zumba circles around any of us but think how much different it is to cheer at altitude.  Ashley told, Amanda Ruggerri (freelance journalist), : “The elevation is a huge challenge, for sure…Just to breathe, to get through a minute and a half routine, is one thing in Denver. It’s another thing when you get up to Beaver Creek. And then it’s a whoooole other thing when you put it in the snow, because you’re using all of your stabilization muscles.

“And your voice,” she adds. “In 20 seconds, you can be out of breath just cheering, and trying to get the crowd to cheer.” – *<gasp!> the horror (added for effect)

Clearly it means this is now serious business and we were just waiting for the iron will of a few ‘dancers’ to make it all happen.  Now if we can just do something about those outfits being a bit more spangly…


 

 

DiRTy Gras

Fear and Loathing at Carnival…

When the going get weird the weird turn pro, as Raoul Duke famously said, and I am a 7-time gold medalist on this caravan.  Still awake and doing my damndest to earn another shot at the medal-stand; I have yet to sleep from properly marking Lundi Gras with a Red Letter and have no plans stopping this party-train until the final whistle of Mardi Gras blows.  But, I do find myself in reflective thought…

Thoughts like did I miss anything on Sunday? Was the ‘over’ in the NBA All-Star Game good? Who invented liquid soap and why?  Where’s my attorney and at what time does this stop being legal?

There is a dark secret to all the glory, revelry, debauchery and extolling feasts of virginal virtues.  A secret, knowing that for the entire Carnival season it is impossible to clean Bourbon Street – it is like the trash compactor scene from Star Wars – you step on things that crunch, squish, make little noises – you throw away your shoes afterward and you never, ever look down.

Furthermore, secrets of ending up on the wrong side of the Constable – If you’re one of the un-lucky ones who get arrested, AND are lucky enough to be seen again by the people that know you; then your punishment might be to clean the wretched waste of the land of misfit toys and bodily fluids.  If arrested and unlucky, you are likely dumped in a swamp covered in pigs blood, never to be seen again – – There was once a truculent Fraternity-boy who talked back to a police officer on horseback, while urinating, he was escorted somewhere and when I asked the cop later, if the urinator went to jail – he said no – at home, a week later I heard of a missing fraternity-member on the Today show, who was in New Orleans at that time, and that guy looked an awful lot like the guy being dragged off on horseback in one of my pictures.

So like Cinderella, when the clock strikes midnight, get your ass off the street because it’s a damn military parade in North korea, and the jack-boots are arresting any dissenters caught messing around Ash Wednesday.

If Vegas is getting your Bachelor’s Degree in the weird and depraved, then New Orleans is your Doctorate…So, being eager to display my Doctorate of Degeneracy, I drove down to the Big Easy Sunday night and when I got to the Hotel around 9pm, the place was already like wandering into ‘Eyes Wide Shut’ – people hugging, shaking hands, big grins, a whoop-whoop here, a holla there and hues all around like a Technicolor flashback – Just as I sat down some big guy from Ala’tucky sat next to me, he was named ehhh, lets call him Bob and let’s say Bob was here to Get. It. On.

“I’m fuQn ready for anything man, you know? Anything?! Whatchoo drinkin?” I ordered a pina colada, extra ice – but he declined and said, “no-no-no son, what the hell kinda drink is that for Mardi Gras time? What’s wrong you with you?” He looked around and said “Dammit we gotsta educate you on the fina-things – gittem sum gud whiskey…”  I shrugged and said “Jameson, 2-fingers neat”…Bob smiled his approval.

He leaned in and tapped me on the shoulder to make sure I was listening: “I know this Mardi Gras crowd, I come here ever’year an let me tell you sunthin I learned—this here town is no place to be given people the idea you’re some kinda backdoor deviant, if you get my meaning – not in public anyways. Shit, they’ll roll you in a minute and take every cent you have.”  I thanked him for the advice and he asked if I was Krewe-affiliated – I said “no, I’m a photographer and a writer.”  He eyed my leather bag with renewed interest and asked who I worked for – so I told him, Playboy.

He laughed and wondered why I would take pictures of stuff everyone has already seen a hunnered times online – I shook my head and said nothing; then just stared at him for a moment, doing my best to look grim.  “there’s going to be trouble, I’m here to document the terror”

Actual art hanging in DIA

 

“what terror?”

I hesitated, looked at my drink – “On bourbon street, during Mardi Gras. Jihad.” I stared at him again, “don’t you read newsweek?”

His smile disappeared and collapsed on itself, “What the hell’re you talkin about?”

“ahhh…maybe I shouldn’t be telling you….” I shrugged. “Hell, everyone else seems to know.  The cops, the national guard have all been getting ready for 4 months.  They have 50,000 troops on alert.  They’ve warned us—all the press and photographers—to stick to the corners, wear helmets and special flak jackets – we’re told to expect shrapnel.”

“NO!” he shouted as he slammed his first on the bar, then waving off the words like they were never said.  “Those sunsabitches! Lord Almighty! Mardi Gras!”  he kept shaking his head and mumbling under his breath as he sunk lower into his chair – his eyes went misty as he continued, “Why? Why here? Don’t they respect anything?”

Non-chalantly I shrugged – “it’s not just the jihadists, the FBI says it’s a bunch of supremacists coming down from all over to mix with the crowd and attack all at once – all of them dressed like everyone else – so when the trouble starts….thats why the cops are freaked out”

He sat there for a moment, looking hurt and confused and not quite able to digest it all – then he cried out, “What in the name of Obama is happening to this country? Where can you get away from it?”

“not here” I said, as I grabbed my bag and thanked him for the drink, I turned and wished him good luck – the poor bastard.

Quick and DiRTy (half) Dozen

Dropping Dimes

1.  In the Spirit of Mardi Gras: I offer this post for free, for missing yesterday

watch it live!

Mardi Gras is this Tuesday, so get all your sinnin’ in before you repent and bask in the triumph of the Holy Zombie 40 days later.  I am giving up listening to Pearl Jam for Lent, said no one ever.

Jesus’ Wife: “And where have YOU been for the past three days, Mr. Winemaker?”
Jesus Christ: “It’s okay, I’ll tell you…Not that’s important or anything, but I was DEAD!!! I’M IN A FUCKIN’ GRAVE OUTSIDE OF TOWN! I’M FIGHTIN’ DEATH, HELL, DECOMPOSURE! I’M CHANGIN’ SPIRITUAL FORM, ABOUT TO ENTER THE KINGDOM OF GOD, AND I GO “WAIT A SECOND! I GOTTA GO BACK BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T KNOW WHERE I’VE BEEN!”

Sam Kinison

You know what would be funny and show the world what kind whimsical bad-asses we are?  Instead of bombs, on Tuesday, we drop a load of Hot Dogs. #FU-Q-ISIS.

YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG!!!


2.

That’s the Chicago Way!

Start a nationwide investigation! Root out the corruption, butcher the peccary!  Adults are selling our children’s future.  It’s a sweatshop!  Why won’t anyone think of the children?! Is any team innocent in this shell game?

So let’s give a round of applause again for adults removing Big Gulps, removing the lucky charms from breakfast, and ruining childhood.  You know who you are.  You’re the parent that wails and shrieks at children playing a game.  Maybe berates the umpire when your little Johnny gets called out on strikes, never taking the bat off his shoulders.  You’re the parent who looks at your child as a meal ticket, raising them on television to believe that one day they’d all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars, but they won’t.

Ban every adult involved from any activity that children participate athletically – put them on the list.  The same list as the rest of the pedophiles and pimps.  Ironic that a team from Nevada accuses Chicago of gerrymandering, considering their long history together.  But does it really change what those kids accomplished?  Is four blocks outside of the radius cause for alarm? We have visual evidence of who won the US title.  They all have the memories that came with winning.  What if they won the LL World Series?  Would we really give the trophy to another country? My issue is how do we decide that Vegas now gets the trophy if JRW vacated wins?  Maybe Mone Davis’ team wins.  No one should have a claim, like no one won the National Championship in 2005.  Just give the Vegas-LL team an Associated Press Paperweight Trophy – that seemed to work just fine for USC.  The BCS Trophy for that year still rests in Baton Rouge – it’s a Win-Win!


3.

Told Ya…

Back in December we called out the Kings for Nepotism and since, they acted like they were just waiting for the Viagra to kick-in, to man-up and actually hire George Karl.

Ty Corbin is fired with a 20-27 record since holding George’s seat warm and has lost 12 of 14.  Still waiting on that plan they were talking about – did you get the email?

I’ll keep going on this – I’ll wager that the Kings move to Seattle (#GKHomecoming) – Sacramento is no Palm Springs – and further wager that Seattle wins their 2nd title before OKC wins their first.  Y’all just remember where you read it first, while watching the highlights on SportsCenter.


4. 

Played 9 holes of Golf yesterday, or as Tiger would call it – 3 women…

The last two weeks have been very disappointing to me, especially Torrey, because I never want to withdraw. Unfortunately, lately injuries have made that happen too often.

This latest injury is not related to my previous surgery. I am having daily physical therapy and I am feeling better every day.

Right now, I need a lot of work on my game, and to still spend time with the people that are important to me. My play, and scores, are not acceptable for tournament golf. Like I’ve said, I enter a tournament to compete at the highest level, and when I think I’m ready, I’ll be back. Next week I will practice at Medalist and at home getting ready for the rest of the year. I am committed to getting back to the pinnacle of my game. I’d like to play The Honda Classic—it’s a tournament in my hometown and it’s important to me—but I won’t be there unless my game is tournament-ready. That’s not fair to anyone. I do, however, expect to be playing again very soon.

I want to thank the fans in Phoenix and San Diego. They were amazing. I greatly appreciate everyone’s support.

Tiger Woods

Tiger has no confidence anymore and seems to be using injuries as a crutch.  He’s that guy we saw on the court – you know that guy that would miss a layup and limp back like his ankle was sprained – that is what Tiger is now – THAT GUY.  Maybe he’ll come back, but it is foolish for him to think that as he ages he’ll be anything we saw before.  He needs to come to grips with his mid-life crisis – or maybe he has to go back to starring in several instructional videos like: Triple Bogey in the Back 9, Backdoor-Putts or Booty-Shack – I do not know.  I am far from being the Golf Whisperer, but I have stayed in a Holiday Inn and believe that Sergio would give everything, to be any version of Tiger.


5.

Lebron James’ Fashion (S#*!) Show

I mean WTF?!  This cross-pollination of athletes/musicians/actors is getting to the point where we should all rise up and drown the bastards in the toilet.  The NBA has moved to not playing actual basketball for a while, and now we have proof of their 5-year-plan…Cripes! Enjoy All-Star Weekend Everyone!

Me At Basketball


6.

I’m not a racist jerk…

Oh Ritchie Incognito, no one cares in the NFL.  You can beat a woman, rape others, abuse children, kill a man and it all doesn’t matter in the NFL – as long as you can play – that’s all that matters.  Let those actions rise up and testify!

testify

Besides it was Rex Ryan who said at his press conference, “He wanted to build a bully!”  That made you the priority.